The Fight to Write.

The semester ended, I pulled two A's, a B and a C with a C- in the lab. Perfectly maintaining my 3.14 GPA. But none of that really got me any closer to writing anything, in most cases it actually detoured my efforts.

I went on a weeks vacation, I got my tattoo, I got my driver's permit, and I managed to make an almost liquid version of pumpkin fudge. The time off gave me time to think more on my idea for the Fantasy based Autobiography, but I was too far from my keys and the drafting I had already done.

Got all of my paintings for xmas done, I had four left to do and I managed to paint five of them. Between painting and a head cold I managed to get no writing done.

This time of year work is increasingly boring, this year actually seems to be worse. There are four people in the department that have not been there as long as I have, and I still think my job is at risk. It may just be paranoia, but I have not seen the amount of business that I am used to.

Between drinking and spending time with friends and family my free time has flushed right on by. Currently I should be moving about and trying to find some breakfast item, but it has been so long since I have gotten anything done I think my tools are getting rusty.

Women have had the continued ability to give me no chance whatsoever. What state is the world in when people complain about being single but do not go on dates? Honestly, I understand that finding someone that is compatible is a hard task and it takes some trying, but no one is trying back. I have been on one date in my life, I learned a lot about my likes, my dislikes, my strengths, my weaknesses. Finding that I was not compatible on a date was much more helpful then someone telling me that they just got over a long relationship and they do not want anything serious, so they won't go on a date.

As far as I can piece things together, no one really knows how to come across someone that it compatible, in most cases it is just something that eventually clicks. I am just enjoy having the company of a women, I literally like talking about the view of the world with them, their hopes and dreams. I find women much easier to talk to, but they all think that when I ask them to go on a date that I just want to take them home. In all honesty I have had a women I knew very little about and it was the most damaging thing that I ever did to myself. I was reading Alan Alda's first book 'Never Have Your Dog Stuffed' and the line "the world is a place of naked women, drinking, smoking and laughing into the early morning." (para, the book is at my father's) That was about the late forties early fifties, right when people where entering an age of being that they did not completely understand. America, if not the world, continued to progress in this manner; the important things are left not talked about and people deny anything that they would have to put effort into understanding. People continued to drink and smoke, and the drinking and smoking was so great they found other recreational drugs to do, people get to a state were they make choices that would not normally make and then do something that they are ashamed about, and instead of progressing and moving on, they turn to drugs and alcohol even more, or they stay with that abusive person, or they shut themselves off from the world, or they play video games and movies until there brain can only function if all the work has been done for them.

I was standing in my kitchen listening to my nephews watch old episodes of Spider-Man, I used to watch the show when I was a kid but I never really analyzed what was going on with the scripting and progression of the show. Every line either added an unnecessary amount of drama to the story or it told you what was going on. No detail was spared to a viewer and the plot moved so fast that there was no real way for any of it to sink into a person, it just hit hard and then faded away to the next show. I found myself knowing exactly why all the children in my generation were diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, we all grew up in front of the television. How could a class, which moves at the pace of the average learner, keep up with that of a television. The more kids watched TV the more the class had to slow down because no one understood what was going on.

TV is an abused commodity, the television that is housed in my living room is never off, it is on during the day to entertain the dog and give my mother the sense of security that a stranger would not break in if the TV is on, and it is on at night because my mom sleeps 'better' with it on. Sense I was given the option, my TV is nowhere near my bed. Bedrooms are for thinking, reading, lovemaking, and sleeping, not watching TV.

I think the largest thing that has keep me from writing is all the free time that I have, my schedule is so fluid that I can't find the time to sit down and do some real writing. This is just a necessary reach out to the writer inside of myself, a plea to have him take hold and force me to write no matter what the deterrents.

Unfortunately this forty minute writing block has no time to flourish any further.

-NK

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.

I have alway enjoyed Green Day's Good Riddance. Even since it played as I walked into the auditorium for my eight grade graduation, it has held a special place in my heart. When it comes on, I feel like singing it, and most of the time I do.

Today is much like all the other times that I have really been able to understand the song. Today is that last day that this blog is mandatory, this means that it will slowly fade as something else comes along. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for years, but one day in the future this blog will become something that I have to give up in order to keep moving as a person. With that noted I wanted to discuss how it has affected me as a person.

1) My writing confidence has improved, I have one piece that I did here that will be published in the Eyrie. In the book 'On Becoming a Novelist' by John Gardner, Publishers like to see that you have been published. So I will write and write and when I am done, I will submit and submit. Few things here few things there. And when it comes time to publish the books that I worked hard on, and want to have in circulation, I will be an known entity.
2) My writing ability has improved, I know where some of my strengths and weaknesses are as a writer. Knowing when and where to work hard, helps in effective productivity.
3) I have settled a few of my differences. Work is not as aggravating, school not a tiring, and time with friends is full of laughs. Some do to writing about them, some do to thinking about them to write them, some because I had the time to think about them because I had less on my plate.

That's about all I can directly relate to the class.

I plan on working on a few things, and if I have the time I will post small tidbits here as the months go on.

Another turning point, A fork stuck in the road.

-NK

(W15.2) I Like to talk with myself.

The semester is ending and I am still a year and a half away from an Associates. Between school and the part time job to pay for school, and the down time spent relaxing from them, I have not been able to make a clear cut path for what I want to do when school is over. There are a few things that I know I want.

1) I want to be a writer.
2) I want to be a father.
3) I want to be healthy enough to enjoy both.

To be a writer I need.

1) To write complete works.
2) Maintain Creativity.
3) Learn the best way to introduce the information, so that it conveys the message or tells the story; in a way that will be appealing to publishers.

To be a father I need.

1) To find, gain the favor of and live with a female.
2) Maintain a relationship throughout the birthing of the child.
3) Be there while the child grows up.

To be healthy to enjoy both.

1) Maintain the basic necessities, and limit excess.
2) Set and hold Goals.
3) Listen to my own advice.


Written down on the page it does not look like much, but the rest of the world, the things that I am passing up, the things that interject into the day, the simple fact of figuring which goal is more important when. Maybe I should restate what I want to be with more adjectives.

1) I want to be the a writer, who's books are on the night stand of millions.
2) I want to be the best father, one that is far superior then I can even currently imagine.
3) I want to be healthy enough to enjoy it, be able to take in every moment and savor every last detail. The good, the bad and the horrible tragedies of it all.

To be a writer.

1) My books need to develop characters and plots that speak to people
2) The books have to be written in a way that publishers will be drawn to them and readers will fall in love with them
3) I need to speak with every ounce of myself and create books that hold different meanings for everyone that looks in them.

To be a Father.

1) I need to cut away the right amount of lust, and find the person that loves me for me, and I them for them.
2) I need to be strong and caring, providing and supportive, Positive to Positive, Negative to Negative.
3) I need to pay attention, slow down, focus, listen, watch, teach, and know when to let go.

To be Healthy and enjoy it.

1) I need to fall to the passion of the pen, and the lust of the feeling of the keys under my fingers.
2) Feel, accept, understand, continue, rise above.
3) I need to laugh at things that got me mad, love things that made me laugh and cry, dance when my feet want to move, sing when the day has me down.

Now it seems near impossible. I cant imagine I could get myself out of the way long enough to do all of that. How about this,

1) Write and publish books.
2) Get married and have kids.
3) Enjoy it no matter what my health.

There is a bucket list that I can be content with.

-NK

(W15.1) Quotes, Questions and Last Words.

Nick walks into NFC’s office

Nick- Hi, how are you today?
NFC- Oh hey Nick, what are you doing here?
Nick- I have a class in 45 minutes, can I just wait here.
NFC- Sure.
Nick- So, Pope Nicholas Francis Christopher.
NFC- yeah?
Nick- How could there be a God?
NFC- I guess it is a perspective thing...
Nick- WHAT
NFC- I follow my path to God, you follow the one that you think is right, and we all will stand before God to be Judged.

Everett walks in

Nick- Hey Everett
Everett- Nick, right?
Nick- Yeah.
NFC- Well hey there stranger, what brings you here?
Everett- B double E double R U N, Beer Run.
Nick-Man I love this song
Everett- You wanna come?
NFC- That would be fun, but I can't I have to get packed.
Everett- Well I have to run,

Everett exits. Nick’s teacher walks by.

NFC- Wow that's great, you still working.
Nick- Philosophy: 100 Essential Thinkers.
NFC- Yeah
Nick- EMCC
NFC- Oh, you teach there?
Nick- Kinda ironic isn't it.
NFC- Things are much more formal.
Nick- Well I am going to go to class, I saw the teacher walk by earlier.
NFC-well do come back.

-NK (A pseudonym will suit me just fine in my writing career)

(16,1) BEH Entry #8: Real life Re; Run

7:00pm- I got out of work, this time I was lucky enough to have a hat, I still was cold. Even though I had accommodated for the weather, the weather got colder.

7:30- A toaster is a good way to make a warm sandwich. While the bread was toasting I held a plate with the cheese in and meat above it, I found that this warmed my hands more then it heated the food, which was all the more reason to do it. If you stare intently at a toaster, the bread popping will jump you like a jack in the box.

8:00- E-mail, Instant Message, Facebook... time flies when you submit yourself to the internet.

9:39- At about nine o'clock the internet lost its appeal, but the warmth had just returned to my bones, and I knew how cold it was out there. I bundled up, for the first ten minutes I stay fairly warm. Then the cold started to set into my fingers and toes. If I did not know any better I would say it was mid January already.

10:00- I played "The Patriot", more because I wanted to have something going that would be less likely to draw my attention, but I also wanted something to break up the monotonous rhythm of memorizing words for a lab test. Four more days and I am free from school for a few short weeks.

12:10am- I know that when 8am is on the other side of sleep, I want to get to bed around 12. I shut everything off and hit the pillow.

Battle Stats-

1) My life at the least, falls into a rhythm and it is hard to interject new things into the rhythm.
2) I am not sure what is better, a toaster or a toaster oven; sure the oven makes great sandwiches, but it won't jump you as the bread pops up.
3) I am beginning to believe that the saying "I would rather the cold to the hot, in the cold I can put more on, the heat I can only take so much off." is something that people say to deny that they are really cold, and it sucks.
4) One discussion on Instant Massager, led me to thinking that I need to start forming the writing group I want. I figure four people, meeting once a week for at least two hours a session. I already call it 'The Writer's Collective' Certain appeal to an official name.
5) Nine to five, is not my ideal life style, and I have a distaste for deadlines. I guess the trick is to have it all done before you plan to start.

(16.1) BEH Entry #7: Yeah,yeah. Tomorrow.

A day full of the moving of frozen Dihydrogen Monoxide and fifteen minutes of the song that never ends.

8:02pm- I was in the mood for raspberry ginger ale. I grabbed the usual Adirondack, and then walked by a display of the Schweppes Raspberry Ginger Ale! Well I am one for trying new things, and I just had to know if it was better then the Adirondack; I grabbed the Schweppes, also. I got to the line and there in front of me, was a women and her son buying 9 boxes of thirty pounds of butter. I had gone to school with the womens daughter; amazingly when you are a deli sales associate you learn who everyone parents are. I commented on the butter 'What are you guys making the largest slip and slide?' Unfortunately for me they were not in fact making a large slip and slide, the butter was for the food pantry. One of my old cross country buddies was the bagger and he thought it was a good joke, and that the butter would make a good slip and slide. I traded pleasantries with the women on how her daughter was doing.

20:18:01- I chit chatted with the front end and then headed home. The Schweppes tasted more like raspberry, hit the tongue softer and did not have the same initial after taste, the jury is still out. I only had my work hat, and the wind blew straight into my face. I started to pull forth lyrics of songs to make the walk more enjoyable. Which resulted in my having no idea if it was snowing when I got home.

8:40- I laid down on my couch and my back started to melt into the cushion. I discussed trip plans with some friends, I go to Portland on Sunday. By the time I had discussed all that I needed my body no longer wanted to move, it had relaxed just fine.

9:36- What is it that makes a dog take five times longer to go, when the cold air is cutting through your clothes? I know that factually no additional time was taken on the walk, but the second I decided that I was going to wait for him to go and then return, it seemed like he was going to take his time and survey the options available to him.

10:00- I threw my Chinese leftovers and a dish of fried scallops into a bowl, either I was exceedingly hungry or sweet and sour fried scallops is delicious. I grabbed two of the couch cushions and doubled them up to make the couch more comfortable, my lounge is more inviting then my room. I put in 'The Patriot' with Mel Gibson. The onset of my father's favorite line 'I am a parent, I do not have any principals,' the movie drew me in and I watched intently. I started to watch for the details of the story, and the camera angles. When the leader if the British troops said 'The Hierarchy of the new world will be land owners,I realized how different America would be today if they had won the war. Many freedoms may have never been gained. Rights of Africans and women may never have come about. The rich, the working class, the slaves. This nation became a strong and powerful nation based on its views of equality, but now that white Americans are a minority it seems that most references toward equality were for white upperclassmen. I do not believe that the dream was to advance whites, I think it was meant to house everyone. But because the population of the government officials were white males, it started to slip away and become less clear.

12:10am- I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep.

Battle Stats-
1) I love Raspberry Ginger Ale.
2) Nostalgia feel weird in the bottom of my stomach.
3) I am a know commodity, people know my first name.
4) If I have to choose between gloves or hat, I choose hat.
5) Tension and Relaxation of the back muscles while reading a book, lessen the sore back from shoveling snow.
6) I can play through every one of my movies just by looking at the title, and I have over a hundred of them.
7) If you focus on something it takes longer than it would if you focus on something else. e.g. the walk home in the cold, and the dog going to the bathroom.
8) America is a great nation that is falling to Greed.
9) I never want to go muzzle to muzzle with the red coats in an open field.

(16.1) BEH Entry #6: A Mile of Darkness.

Four o'clock, Five o'clock...Work.

5:57pm- Work had gone on long enough; I have found that if I ask to leave three minutes early, I have to stay till the end of the day, if I walk out and say goodbye, I go home three minutes early. Some days, I just need to leave a few minutes early; normally I need to leave when there is nothing to do.

(18:42:57)- The receipt printed from the self check out. One of my work shoes has a split from side to side that goes to the toes. I bought a new set of shoes, half a size up, and a set of boxers. Instead of walking the two miles home, I walked the one and a half miles to my father's.

7:25- I burned through three nights of leftovers, my dad wanted to make sure that I was eating well. Most nights he is in bed around 7, but he wanted to spend time with me.

8:02- I followed one of the quotes a co-worker told me; 'You have to learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.' -Hyman G. Rickover. I watched the movie 'Step-Brothers', as many of Will Ferrel's movies there were a few scenes that were over the top. The movie is about a 39 year old and a 40 year old that still live at home, and they become step-brothers.

10:37- "The Darjeeling Limited." A movie about three brothers on a train. I was not really all that interested in the movie, so I did not pay attention.

12:45am- The movie that I had rented to watch went in, "X-Files: I Want to Believe." I had yet to see an X-Files show, and I still have not.

And the Battle of the evening left ruins, the lessons surfaced slowly:
1) The economy is in ruins, and you work just hard enough to not get fired, but not hard enough to not be able to better your chances in the future.
2) This town needs lighted side walks, something that I have believed for years, but about the third time I rolled my ankle while trying to walk on the worn small shoulder.
3) I have to set goals and live up to them and get the heck out of dodge. Living starts when you start living.
4) My sister knows me better then I know myself. She can read people by the tone they say something in, even if are unaware of the tone; which is far different from the way I read people, the way they word there sentences and how long it take to come up with an answer.

-NK

(16.1) BEH Entry #5: Chinese Food

Work was physically draining, which set the tone for the evening.

9:05pm- I got home and there on the stove was a bag of Chinese food. Sweet and Sour Chicken and and an order of Crab Rangoons. I devoured all but three of the crab rangoons, and then eat four peices of chicken on rice covered in sweet and sour sauce.

9:36- I took the dog for his walk. I could actually tell that it was cold out, which means that it was really cold out. My guess would be close the freezing. If I had put on pants, instead of winter pajamas and shoes instead of house slippers, I would not have noticed how cold it was.

10:00- Realizing that I had not calmed down at all from work and I was hopped up on Chinese food, I watched Lewis Black on Comedy Central. Most of the jokes I had heard about but never seen him deliver. I enjoy how he tells the joke more then the jokes themselves, and most of the cursing and some of the topics I blame on what people are stressing over. I was on the internet, but nothing caught my attention, my instant messenger was not signing in to half of my accounts.

11:30- Seeing that time was moving much faster then I would like, I started to paint. I did all three of my small pieces and the last large piece, start to finish. For the most part I surprised myself at the outcome of the paintings. Most of the time I have no idea what I am working at, I put charcoal lines down on the paper. When I start to put paint about 80% of the lines get erased immediately, only darkening the paint slightly. Then I just add paint as I see fit; the first three paintings where for the younger members of the family. I decided that I would paint a piece for my nephews this year, they are 5 and 6. I am not sure what the immediate reaction will be but I think that the lesson should be learned; Christmas is about family and friends, joy not toy. This last Black Friday, I realized that too many people have lost the Christmas spirit. Three people died on Black Friday, greed caused the deaths of three people! So I am painting Christmas, all but one gift I am giving is paintings, joy not toy.

1:00am- Beaten and battered, the Chinese food wearing off. I slept on my couch again; my lounge is heated and my room is not, and I still feel a little sick. I watched the uncut unedited comedian as I fell asleep, Galakinokis (sp). He was over the top, but I could see some risks in his style and I liked the risks.

Lessons learned in the battle of the evening hours-
1) Work after 8pm is still something that I only want to do in stride.
2) Chinese food, the Americanized version anyway, is bad for you and tastes really really really good.
3) There are huge problems in the American Culture. Food to start, the way that we accommodate our whims, and the way that people capitalize on the fact that we accommodate our whims. There were two commercials that made it into every break in the 1am show, Girls Gone Wild: Wildest Bar and Lypozene. Skinny Drunk women getting naked for a t-shirt and a drug that does not ask you to change your diet or routine to help you lose weight; that sums up the state of the American Culture.
4) I need to reupholster my couch soon. It is a sectional couch and the springs are worn out.
5) I have my ups and downs when it comes to the lack of culture in America; I spend hours a day doing nothing and reflecting on nothing but I also paint to show my belief that Christmas has nothing to do with toys.

-NK

(16.1) BEH Entry #4: Health and Leisure

6:45pm- My class got out and I headed home. The walk like the rest of the day, led me to believe that I was coming down with or had a cold. My sinuses felt weird and I was drowsy. Any way you slice it I was overdrawn.

7:12- After some convincing, my mother and I went to the store. I needed to get my schedule and the refrigerator was pretty bare. I talked to a follow deli associate, who was on a smoke break, gaining myself a possible hour and a half more to today's shift. Other then the common place groceries I got a two liter of Adirondack Raspberry Ginger Ale. As the evening hours tolled on it was becoming clear that an early night was coming and ginger ale was going to be a useful tool in the middle of the night. When I have a cold I will roll over in my sleep and my throat will be so dry I wake up, ginger ale seems to work the best at soothing my throat.

8:20- I put Spiderman 3 in and surfed the internet. I would turn to watch some of my favored scenes, but otherwise I was buried in the superficial world that is the internet.

9:16- I got up and took the dog for his walk, I felt horrid. Something about telling myself that I am going to lay down until I am better and then getting up to walk the dog, just makes me feel down and out. One person in my town knows a car that is the same as the one in the beginning of the game Need for Speed 2. I was watching it to see if it was going to stop at one of the local 'shops'. I think that owner thought I was impressed that they had the car, they spun it around in the church parking lot. I knew they were just showing off so I payed no mind, I have a strong dislike for people that have nothing better to do then prove they are cool because they wasted money on a stupid car.

Sometime after 10- While watching the movie from my couch I feel asleep, the rest of my evening belonged to dreams and raspberry ginger ale.

Lessons learned in the battle of the evening-
1) When your starting to get sick, be sick. I feel great now that I got a more then full nights sleep.
2) Grocery shopping with your mother is still embarrassing, but if you make the best of it, it works out fine.
3) I need to do something about my couch because I woke up a few times in back pain or when one of my arms fell asleep.
4) Adirondack, is Adirondack not A-ron-dack, some how I never noticed the di before.
5) From the movie that I barely watched, I understood some of my struggles with relationships. Timing plays a large roll. Keeping alert to the situation is good. And resolve things when you can, with the other person, but for the most part you need to have a solution for yourself.

(W16.1) BEH Entry #3: Family Matters

To stay true to form I am going to skip out on the events leading to the evening, though math class was it's own little adventure.

8:30pm- After I had changed out of the pants that had a hole in the front of them big enough to put a hand through, I called my sister. My niece had gotten the last of a life long series of operations, and she wanted Jell-o. My sister had had a few beers and as a rule would not drive, my mother was in bed and would not get up (I would like to note that I had told her it would be a good idea to go and visit earlier in the day.)

9:02- While ringing up my Jell-o and Jaeger , the cashier told her story of the first time that she drank: 'They kept passing me Jell-o shots, and then I did four Jaeger Bombs, and drank six Smirnoff Twisted. I Blacked out most the night, so this is the story my friends told me. This was the first time I drank, and I have not partied like that in a long time.'

9:34- I arrived at my destination and called my mother. 'You are there already?' she said.
'Yeah I tried to tell you I am the best walker in town.', 'Yeah but I thought you had to buy Jell-o at the store.',' I did.' What amuses me most is that she says she worries when I am out, and she told me many times not to go because it was dark. She was asleep when I called, and if I were to only walk around when it was light out I would have a tight schedule.

11somthing: I put in 'The Departed' and my sister and I chit chatted about this that and the other thing. Someone had told her that I had been arrested because I was in a car that had drugs in it. I did not even know people talked about me, much less that they make up pretty intense rumors. I have been in the passenger seat of a few cars that got pulled over, most of which it was a headlight or tail light 'out'.

About 20minutes after the movie ended: I read the Final Chapter of my book. It may have been the 99 Bananas and Jaeger talking, but it seemed as though Alan knew exactly who I was, what I was doing, and what I should be doing.

From the time I finished the book to the time I feel asleep (about an hour): I stared at the ceiling and tried to figure out what I wanted to do with the pearl of wisdom that Alan Alda had written in the book. The final chapter was like reading all of the intense parts of the book, all at once. In a few weeks I plan to read it over, one because I will remember the message better and two because it is a profound message that I think has some merit.

2:36am- I sent the a text message that read: 'YOU KNOW, OTHER THAN TEACHERS, NO ONE HAS TOLD ME I WAS WORTH ANYTHING?' It was more something that I had to say because it was a true statement than something I was upset about. I have a solid drunk text person, I assume that at some point she will ask me to stop; but until then it is great just to say the things that seem important to say.

Lessons Learned in the Battle of the Evening Hours:
1) Family Matters. I think of it as duel purpose, when there is a family matter, family matters. That is one of the reasons I love holidays. My Dad loves thanksgiving, Christmas is hard but it is family bonding time. Cathy had more Christmas Cheer then anyone I have ever met.
2) People talk about me, I was not aware that I was talk worthy. And it seems to an extent that I either look like someone that got arrested or I have an enemy.
3) Pearls of wisdom are everywhere, and life is worth slowing down to enjoy. (see there is the resemblance of a pearl of wisdom right there, slow down and enjoy the ride.)
4) I enjoy starting the piece with an odd detail of the events prior to the evening hours. Just tip toeing around the boundaries of the piece.
5) I know people better then they themselves will admit, normally because they tell me things they will never tell anyone else.

-NK

(W16.1) BEH Entry #2: Mentally Wiped

Five hours of Anatomy and Physiology has a way of taxing me mentally. So much so that anything school related was the last thing on my mind when I got home.

8:30pm- I took the dog for a walk, the evening was surprisingly warmer then half the evenings last month. My mind was still racing from class. In an average class we go over about two hundred terms that you have to remember, by the end of it you remember more of the jokes to lighten the mood then the actual information.

9:00- I put in one of my old classics, Constantine. Sure the movie was released in 2005 five, but it was in the days when I devoured movies. The movie is based of a comic series,(skip the rest of the paragraph if you plan to watch it.) the one thing that I liked about it most, is that almost every line is a foreshadow to what will happen later on in the movie. I have seen it enough times so that I know when my favorite lines and scenes are coming up, but when I watched it last night I was looking for what lines drew a picture of something else later on. I found humor in some of the lines because it either told what would happen, or it told the opposite of what would happen. People have told me that it is a boring movie, I can see why they would say that. As the movie progresses it requires to to recall a lot of things that happened to be able to piece the story together, some of the details in the beginning explain the actions in the end; most of these defining details are one line of dialog.

11:00- The best thing about having the five hour A and P class, having a better understanding of one line in the latest episode of House. The show airs while the last hour of class is taking place, so I relay on the Digital Cable Box to tape it for me and I have to wait for my mother to stop using the TV it is attached to. Other then knowing that when RNs take your vitals, they look at your chest to take your normal breathing number, the class was not directly related to the episode.

12:00am- I spent an hour on one small piece of homework. Manly because while I was working on it I was getting my daily dose of the internet. I spent less then fifteen minutes on the actual piece of paper, but that was all it needed to get filled out; got to love the busy work, I thought I had gotten to the point where busy work was an option for those that gained from doing it. Truthful busy work places a sour taste in my mouth about actually learning the information. In a class that 80% of the information is in the lecture, I can ace without doing anything. In a class where 30% of the information is in the chapters and 70% is in the lecture, only 60% of the information sinks in; I relate this to the fact that when I see and hear the same information it is more likely to get remembered, and all of it is tested on.

1:00- Finished one painting, and start and finished another. When I was finished the second one I laid down on the floor and closed my eyes. I could feel my eyes moving, but if I put my hand one my eye lid they would not be moving. While I am painting I just move the brush and my eyes will try to line things up and match them to places around the painting, I was unaware my eyes could move that fast. I just got used to it while I was painting and lost track of it; it was like when I watch a movie everything but the TV fades away.

2:00- After I took time to let my eyes relax I read, my mind wandered. I figured that it might after a long day of thinking of topics that it normally would just except as facts and move on. Alan had a good point and somehow I retained all the information in the chapter without really paying attention to it. He discussed the topic of Celebrity, one of the biggest reasons I do not want to be a famous author. To be an author is my goal, to make it what I live on is a goal; to have people mailing me because they want me to give them the meaning of life, or they want to talk to me as though I was better then someone else, not my cup of tea.

The lessons learned from the battle of the evening.
1) Five hour lecture plus lab, is not how I learn in the least.
2) I have an amazing ability to focus on something
3) A pseudonym will suit me just fine in my writing career

(W16.1) BEH Entry #1: Whim of the Procrastinator

Yesterday was one of the rare full days off; no school and no work. So I am going to skip through the intriguing laundry with my mother story.

7:00pm- My niece had decided that she did not want to go out and eat, so I called up my cousin and asked if I could come over. I had two underlining goals in mind for this evening. First was to get a look at the painting of mine, that I had given my cousin after he had stated liking several times. The second goal was to see him and his girlfriend together. All of my Christmas painting are themed, theirs is a joint painting. I could not easily recall their actions together and wanted a fresh look at it. During my visit, my cousin and I confirmed that we were in fact getting really tried of Halo 3, it has just lost its flavor. I also got to see the first three episodes of 'How I met your mother.' It was way better then I thought it would be. So much so that, I do not plan to watch it over there again. I have a problem paying attention to people while a show is drawing me in. Watching something that I enjoy and have never seen is not a good way to spend time with people. On my walk home I tried to think of how I wanted to spend my evening....

10:00- One hour late for our evening walk, the dog followed me around and nearly dropped at the knee when I grabbed his leash. Other then trying to think of the best way to paint the painting, my mind was set on whether or not I should do the next activity. It was not on the list but was something that I wanted to do.

10:20- I donned a pair of shorts, my orange fleece jacket and an old pair of sneakers. I stood outside; for a few minutes I just tried to focus on controlling my breathing and then, I ran. For the first time since the cross country season ended in 2005. I had made a few attempts but I allowed chest pain to stop me almost immediately each time. This time I was pretty certain that it was all in my head. I ran and I told my self that I was going to run a three mile course, one of the runs I used to do for practice. It hurt, but in all the ways that I knew it would; I ran through it. For the first time in three years I felt I was in control of everything to come.

11:00- The allure of the internet overcame me, I needed to just calm down before I started to paint. There are a few friends that I like to share bits of my day with. One, an old cross country buddy, was on; whenever I talk to him it is like talking to an younger version of myself. I try to give him all the pearls of wisdom that I have, knowing full well that he will hit the same walls that I did. I know that most life lessons are best learned through the trail and error process, but I have found that failure hurts and I wish it on no one.

12:00am- I put Juno in my laptop and started painting. Painting is one of the things that I do without really understanding the process. It is much like my ability to figure people out, it is a tool that helps me write characters; I know how to read what I feel, so I can paint it. While I was painting a piece a few weeks ago I realized that if I focus on one person and think of all the moments with them, I can make a piece that stands out. I just think about the person and start grabbing paint, the emotions come and go. Each one only registering long enough to but the paint on the canvas. I finished two that had already been started, started and finished one, and started another. Completely taxing my creativity.

1:30- I am not really sure how I get sucked into the internet so easily, for the most part I am just waiting for something to happen. I have my facebook, this blog, the Eng 162 blog, dictionary.com, wikipedia, and my yahoo mail load up instantly. From there I just check to see what has changed and see if there is anyone on my instant messenger list.

2:15- I read from Alan Alda's 'What I Overheard While I Was Talking to Myself.' A book about speeches that he has given over the years and what they meant to him later. The book is more recent then any that I have read in a while. I read a chapter on a speech that he gave to scientists, the overall theme was to learn to take yourself with a grain of salt. He discussed how he had purposely failed something his father wanted him to do, because he thought it would lead him away from where he wanted to be. I think I understand what he is saying, but I do not think I am anywhere near being able to accomplish it. Though, I may have succeeded earlier in the evening though, when I pursued running. A burning desire, that I had told myself was impossible.

3:05-I closed my eyes and laid there until I drifted to sleep.

I think that I have to start to cast a label on myself aside. Writing all of this I have come to the conclusion that I am a very diverse person, that is far from the boring and plain person I tell myself that I am. It is like my Intro to Sociology teacher used to say, "You can't unlearn something, but you can RE-learn something."

-NK

(W14) My Views on Religion: The in depth look.

It is a struggle. When I was thirteen years old I lost a three year old nephew to cancer, my father had a heart attack, one of my sisters was diagnosed with cancer, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. When I was Fourteen, just as everything started to level out, my sister died of a blood clot.

I started to go to mass every week, and then my mother hip started to bother her, so we stopped going. Then the pastor, who I had started to learn about God from, was removed from the church for an incident that happened when he was in his early twenties. I have not entered that building in seven years, it no longer houses keys to the afterlife for me.

My nephew who was three, was a wonderful little boy. Without us telling him, he knew that he was to smile when a camera was out. There are mounds of pictures that follow him through his short life, more then half of which he was fighting death at every turn. He had touched the lives of everyone around him, bringing hope to the families of other ill children. The church was full of people, many of who I had never met or heard story of. All of them with a memory of a little boy that smiled and laughed and played whenever he got the chance.

My sister was twenty nine years old. She was a devote Catholic, she taught Sunday school for many years. She got her degree in education and was a school teacher for one year. To me she was like a mother. Our parents had gotten divorced when I was five, my mother had gotten a full time job and had gone back to college. My sister knew when I was having a bad day, my sister would get me to talk about stuff, my sister fought hard to teach me to read. Once again the church filled with people, once again there were many that I had never heard about and many that there was no story for. The one that I remember most, was a boy that she had taught that one year as a teacher. She had fought to teach him how to love learning, he knew how hard she had fought for him and he cried so hard that he buckled over and and his parents had to pick him off the ground.

Over the last seven years I have questioned over and over why they had died and I had survived, for the most part I felt guilty to still be alive. After I stopped going to church I lost faith in a higher power. How could there be a God? If there was a God things like this would not happen. If there was a God I would not feel this much pain inside of me.

The sister that lost her son, paved over her past. She has become a born again Christian. Her love for her church got me to sit down with her pastor. I asked him what his church was about. He told me that he taught that the bible housed the answers for everyone. He said "How could the bible not be the word of God, all of the stories told to different people come together so to give one message." He told me that Catholicism was not right and that every Catholic was just following a pattern that they were told they had to follow. Then he told me that I could not be saved by God unless I said the sinners prayer and then devoted the rest of my life to Jesus Christ. I asked 'What if I devoted myself to Christ but did not say the prayer?' And he replied "You will not be saved."

There were many things that I did not agree with in his statements. The first is that I have studied the bible from a stand point where it is the greatest wisdom story of all times. My Honors 101: Wisdom Stories From Antiquity. In the class I learned full well that the bible pieced together. We read in class two accounts that were not in the bible. The book of Mary Magdalene and the Book of Thomas. Both had all the same accounts that the ones that had made it into the bible did, but they placed Christ as a man. The to book described that they had witnessed accounts of emotions. We openly discussed the criteria that works needed to make it into the bible and that there was a comity that decided what books would make it into the bible. So when he said that the bible fit so well together because it was the Word of God, I could only think that it was the Word of God chosen by a group of Men, claiming they had the right to speak for God.

Secondly I did not believe that there was anything wrong with the current Catholic beliefs. Sure in the early history of Catholicism there was a group of corrupt men that sold rights of passage to Heaven. But that came to an end centuries ago. I can see that saying on prayer over and over could lead to nothing, but that is up to the person that prays the payers. The prayers are meant to make you think about God and reflect who you are in the eyes of God. The last rights is a ceremony for those that believe that they have made a mistake in their life; and for those that mean it, I see no reason they would not be granted into Heaven.

The third thing that I did not agree on was, I must say one prayer and follow one path; and that was the only way to be saved by God. This is where hatred and wars are made, not the road to salvation. If I was to believe that there was only one way to God, then I would have to think long and hard to make sure that I was following the correct path. Judaism, Christianity and the Muslim Religion all have one God, and there path is the only way to God. Christianity has a vast amount of sects, so many that if I were to stand on the roof of my house and count the crosses in the sky, I would be in the double digits before I started to strain my eyes. How could anyone of them claim that everyone else was going to die and not go to Heaven? What gave them the right to claim they were the only way to God?

Just last week I was talking to a man that I had prayed for. My niece was in pieces, she had a crush on this man and he had hit an eighteen wheeler that was hauling half of a double wide trailer, when his car swerved into the other lane. I prayed for him, because I knew that he had a little girl, I knew that he had been working too many hours to be able to sleep any decent amount, and I knew that my niece would be heart broken if he had died. Last week I talked with him and asked him what his survival rate was when the emergency crew had gotten there. "0%, they had called me dead. They life flighted me, but they were sure I was going to die. They could not call it until they had landed, but they knew for sure that I was going to die."

There was my proof of God, in black and white. The man that had 0% to live was standing in front of me, because I prayed for him. So I believe there is a God, I believed it before I prayed and I believed it whole heartedly when I prayed that day, and I would have believed it if he had said he was rated at 56% survival rate.

I am a Human, therefor I pass no right to claim that I have the answer to the path to God, but I know which one I plan to follow. I believe in God and the spirit of Jesus, but I do not believe in any written documentation about speaking to God or seeing Jesus. I do not believe that any man is condemned by the the religion he or she was raised in. I think that all go before God and are Judged. Weather or not one of the terrorist that flew a plane into the Twin towers on September 11th is going to go to Heaven or to Hell, is Gods choice alone. Personally based on what I know of the Muslim Jehudist Sect, each one of those men may stand a chance at going to Heaven, not because those actions were right; but because those were the only action that those men were taught. From the moment they are born they are told that they must kill themselves and countless others to make it to Heaven. If they had been offered a different choice and chose to kill any way then I would think differently about there chance at making it to Heaven.

I follow my path to God, you follow the one that you think is right, and we all will stand before God to be Judged.

-NK

(W16.1) Battle of the Evening Hours (BEH) Entry #0

The end of the fall semester. Normally I would only worry about making sure all of my course work was done, but this year I have a few other things to fill up my evening hours. Maybe I will be forced to only do homework. Though I am pretty sure that I will be temped to stray until the last minute, and pump out work that is sup-par.

There is a list of activities that are battling for the few hours of evening between school and sleep, or work and sleep.

1.) Finish all of the work necessary for my four classes.
2.) Paint a painting for everyone on my X-mas list. I am going on a week long vacation after the semester ends. And all the days between the end of my vacation and Christmas itself are days that I will have to work, the dreaded black out days.
3.) Write for myself, I am trying to get myself going on all the projects that I have thought up over the last two years.
4.) Read to relax. This normally fits in every night, but varies from 20 minutes to two hours.
5.) Spend time with friends and family. This is a fluctuating thing that changes based on availability and necessity.
6.) Wasting time on the internet or watching television. The Great American Struggle, spend hours instantly gratifying the mind with noise and moving pictures, or progress as a person.

This Journal will follow me through the events that won the battle of the evening hours.

-NK

(W13) Rush to the Finish.

The air came to slowly and pain rained throughout his body. Everything around started to fade into darkness, the tree was getting closer and closer. All of it was near an end, doubt started to fill his mind and he started to slow. He caught view of a man on the sideline.

The man was there to cheer on the man behind him. The man looked past him but pointed strait into his face. 'Him! YOU WILL PASS HIM!' Adrenaline rushed through the runners body and he kicked as fast and as hard as he ever had before.

Each part of his body moved with machine timing and everything became a blur of lights and an endless roar from the people on the sidelines. The burst of energy had shot him past an unknown amount of people, but no one had passed him. He had fought against the man in the crowd and won.

-NK

(W12) All but Dead.

He died seven years ago, when he lost his sister he gave up on himself. His days became endless nights as he faded into sleep. All the things that made him human became function, surviving only to stay alive for others.

There in that state of numbness, pain and happiness died away. Everything was just another thing to do and be done with. He stopped growing for himself, he became a reckless entity and he destroyed all of what made him an individual.

When the world got to him and he could not hold in his feelings, he would open a tube of paint and just dissolve until the feeling had hit the canvas. Cutting out rational thought and planning, denying the truth of the work. Piling up the paintings and handing them off to the first person to say they liked them. Any feeling hurt, and the paintings were feelings in th raw form. To sit and look at them was to admit that it existed.

The paintings became the only thing he could open up to, the only way that he could speak to the world. All else faded and he became the words assigned to him. If someone told him he was loud he would speak up around them; if people told him he was odd, he could only come up with odd things to say around them; if people said he was nice, he would kill himself to be a good person; if people told him he would never go anywhere, he would stop moving and lay still for days.

The only thing he would do for himself is walk, whenever he knew he was lost he would walk. Sometimes he would be gone for hours. He would walk until his legs hurt, he would walk until he got to the point where all he could do was sleep.

Work, school, social interactions all became tasks that had to be done. Normalize, assimilate; become something to avoid people asking you who you are.
make accuses, just to hide from life. Grow without purpose, just to show you are still growing.

He died so much on the inside that his body started to hurt, his organs stated to fade with his will. He gave up on the world he knew and he started to live the life he had promised he would never enter.

Then one day he laughed, and to feel happy hurt and he knew it should not. He fought his worst enemy and started to live for himself. Now to look at him you would not know he is a man struggling to live again. He is too good at looking alive, but deep down inside himself he is forcing himself to walk. To search until he finds where he is and move toward where he should be.

One step at a time, making up the living he lost in the last seven years. Fighting to wake up and move forward; fragile but determined.

-NK

(W12) Personals

Brief Description: Recently 21, 5'8" 230 lbs. Brown hair, brown eyes. goatee.

Likes: Walking, my dog, painting, live music, romantic comedies, talking, reading narrative history books, plays, musicals.

Dislikes: Horror movies, Pop Culture Icons, Sports, the lack of music on MTV and MTV 2.

Looks for in the opposite sex: Self confidence, defined character, goal oriented, can laugh at themselves, open minded, not afraid to speak their mind (especially if what is on their mind is a outlandish idea thought up for no purpose.)

About self: Works part time at a dead end job to pay for full time college. Lives at home with his mom and dog. Plans to be a writer of books in a few different genres. Has a uniquely attained sense of optimism that holds its own in the toughest of trails. Doesn't drive, prefers walking.

(W12) Gazebo

A small glint of light could be seen in his eyes, a reflection of a street light off a boat on the river. He sat there atop the picnic table inside the gazebo, a leash held in his right hand. The tricolored beagle sheltie sniffing the cold cement pulling at the other end of the leash trying to follow a scent.

Headlights enter into the pier's parking lot. The man made a tuts and motions for the dog to sit and stay. His eyes squinted and widened as he tried to focus the car into his vision. The car stopped under the lights, the blue lights mounted on the top of the car where on mistakable.

The mans chest began to pound and his breath increased. The cop got out of the car and went the other direction, toward the restrooms. The man sat still holding the leash tight, the cop returned and flashed his flashlight over to the gazebo, the light struck the mans eyes, the cop stopped for a second.

The flashlight beam moved along the ground and went off, the cop got back into his car and it just sat there for ten minutes. The man peering over from time to time to see if the cop was going to come over. The engine revved and the car left the parking lot.

He breathed in deeply and shook the leash and the man and dog walked from the gazebo and disappeared from view on the other side of the parking lot.

-NK

RE: (W11) Broken Flip Flops

My legs were sore, my ears were ringing and I just could not stay asleep. The clock ticked steady, the hour hand had moved from one side to the other and my eyes blurred. I stepped on the cover of my book, as I swung my legs off the bed. As I stood the world became fuzzy and red, I could feel my heart beat throbbing in my head. My pants rested on the box of Miller High life that housed the remaining four cans. My flip flops were in the large trash bag by the door. The signed cape was on top of the heap in the hall. The visions of a beautiful women dancing flashed in and out of my mind.

Twenty seven and a half hours earlier.

'NICK!'
'yeah?'
'Are you up, cause its 6'
'Yeah, but my alarm clock hasn't gone off yet.'
'Well I really want my face painted.'

First the coat of white, then let it dry, then the pink, then the red, then the black, and then some more red in case the nose falls off. It was not my best work but she looked like a clown when I was done.

I went upstairs and made the Iron on transfer. It took for ever to get the image right, I had a hard time finding a way to transverse the image. The iron smelt horrid, like burning plastic and heated metal. I went to my bedroom and napped to allow the transfer to cool. Sure enough, I had done it horridly wrong, as it turns out colored iron on transfers are completely different from white iron on transfers. There was just a white square on the back of my cape, I peeled it off to make sure the R was not just hidden under this odd white layer, nope. Alright iron it back on then.

I took my shower and got ready for work, I made a mad dash to marker the R onto the back and decided it would just have to do.

My 11 to 8 shift moved right along; having a hippy, vampire and chef as coworkers made it easier to get through the day.

My friends came to get me. Josh was dressed in womens pants and eye liner, and Ja was dressed in a Russian winter camo jump suit with fake blood running down it. They showed up an hour before I was out.

We went home and I put on my suit of armor made out of cardboard and duct tape. Standing in my yard and each downed a Mike's hard pomegranate lemonade, we walked by my work and I showed off my armor. We ducked into the woods and topped off another lemonade.

At the restaurant we were directed upstairs, the band had started already. The first set was fun I let myself move to the music a little. When the band took a break I showed off my armor and that had their symbol.

For the second set I went all out, I jumped up and down, just surrendering to the beat. The guy that works as the bands staff, who I later found out used to watch wrestling with my brother, gave me a free t-shirt.

The lead singer started his spiel for the costume contest; 'There are a lot of very sexy costumes, there are some very scary dead guys out there, but there is only one person that made his own RANT ARMOR!'

I walked up and they turned me around so the people could see the markered on R. The crowd screamed and I got the band to sign my cape. The bartender handed me two fifty dollar bills.

At 12:50 we started to run to make it to the gas station. I laughed out loud and started to sing 'B double E double R U N, Beer Run.' We got to my house I changed into the free t-shirt, my white camo pants and a blue and white stripped Old Navy button up, and my trusty flip flops.

I got to the party and introduced myself to a few people I did not know. While on my second beer I walked into the keyboardist, Eric, selecting a song.

'Man I love this song' he said.
'Then Sing it, and dance with it.' I looked him straight in the eye. The second the lyrics started up he was singing it. The drummer came in and we all swayed to the song as Eric sung word for word.

I talked to the Eric about flip flops and how the ones I had on had about ten thousand miles on them. On my fourth beer I noted the Eric's girlfriend and another girl dancing to Rap music. I wanted to dance with the other girl so I started to dance, and for the second song I got to dance with her. She was beautiful, so when I found that she was with another guy at the party I was not surprised. She told me to call her Ellie.

I met some other very interesting characters, one was carrying around Cap't Morgans and a liter of Coke, he offered me a shot a few times, and I took them. I gave him two of my beers and continued to chit chat about nothing.

Ellie and her boyfriend left, she thanked me for the dance.

My friends and I decided to go, and as I was climbing into my friends truck I snagged my flip flop on the door and snapped the piece into between my toes.

I got home and hit the bed around four.


-NK

(W11) Broken Flip Flops.

My legs were sore, my ears were ringing and I just could not stay asleep. The clock ticked steady, the hour hand had moved from one side to the other and my eyes blurred. I stepped on the cover of my book, as I swung my legs off the bed. As I stood the world became fuzzy and red, I could feel my heart beat throbbing in my head. My pants rested on the box of Miller High life that housed the remaining four cans. My flip flops were in the large trash bag by the door. The signed cape was on top of the heap in the hall. The visions of a beautiful women dancing flashed in and out of my mind.

Twenty seven and a half hours earlier.

'NICK!'
'yeah?'
'Are you up, cause its 6'
'Yeah, but my alarm clock hasn't gone off yet.'
'Well I really want my face painted.'

First the coat of white, then let it dry, then the pink, then the red, then the black, and then some more red in case the nose falls off. It was not my best work but she looked like a clown when I was done.

I went upstairs and made the Iron on transfer. It took for ever to get the image right, I had a hard time finding a way to transverse the image. The iron smelt horrid, like burning plastic and heated metal. I went to my bedroom and napped to allow the transfer to cool. Sure enough, I had done it horridly wrong, as it turns out colored iron on transfers are completely different from white iron on transfers. There was just a white square on the back of my cape, I peeled it off to make sure the R was not just hidden under this odd white layer, nope. Alright iron it back on then.

I took my shower and got ready for work, I made a mad dash to marker the R onto the back and decided it would just have to do.

'Hey are you and Ja going tonight?'
'Yeah.'
'Alright I get out of work at 8 could you pick me up?'
'Sure well be there at 6 or something.'
'Not 6, 8.'
'Ok 8 then.'

My 11 to 8 shift moved right along; having a hippy, vampire and chef as coworkers made it easier to get through the day.

My friends, Josh dressed in womens pants and eye liner and Ja dressed in a Russian winter camo jump suit with fake blood running down it, showed up an hour before I was out. We went home and I put on my suit of armor made out of cardboard and duct tape.

We stood in my yard and each downed a Mike's hard pomegranate lemonade, we walked by my work and I showed off my armor. We ducked into the woods and topped off another lemonade.

We got to the restaurant and were directed upstairs, the band had started already. The first set was fun I let myself move to the music a little. When the band took a break I showed off my armor that had their symbol. I went to the bar and got a Hanakin. I ran into my high school art teacher and she was astounded that I was 21.

For the second set I went all out, I jumped up and down, just surrendering to the beat. The guy that works as the bands staff, who I later found out used to watch wrestling with my brother, gave me a free t-shirt.

The second set ended and it was time to have the costume contest. There were a group of women in high school soccer jerseys, there were a few punk rockers, and assortment of raised from the dead people.

The lead singer started his spiel 'There are a lot of very sexy costumes, there are some very scary dead guys out there, but there is only one person that made his own RANT ARMOR!'
I walked up and they turned me around so the people could see the markered on 'R'. The crowd screamed and I got the band to sign my cap. The bartender handed me two fifty dollar bills.

I got invited to a few after parties but I already had plans to go to one. We sat around for a bit, so Ja could talk to a girl. I could hear people talking about me and my armor, I got the date for their next show. We walked back, grabbed the bottles and started to run. We decided to grab drinks at the gas station and we only had ten minutes left till one.

I laughed out loud and started to sing 'B double E double R U N, Beer Run.' We got to my house I changed into the free t-shirt, my white camo pants and a blue and white stripped Old Navy button up, and my trusty flip flops. I stopped by my cousin's to see how his Halloween was going, he had no tricker treaters and bowls of candy. He had entertained a few of friends and had a good time.

I got to the party and introduced myself to a few people I did not know. While on my second beer I walked into the keyboardist, Eric, selecting a song.

'Man I love this song' he said.
'Then Sing it, and dance with it.' I looked him straight in the eye. The second the lyrics started up he was singing it. The drummer came in and we all swayed to the song as Eric sung word for word.

Walked around for a bit and chit chatted with friends and people I had just met. I talked to the Eric about flip flops and how the ones I had on had about ten thousand miles on them. On my fourth beer I noted the Eric's girlfriend and another girl dancing to Rap music. I wanted to dance with the other girl so I started to dance, and for the second song I got to dance with her. She was beautiful, so when I found that she was with another guy at the party I was not surprised. She told me to call her Ellie.

I met some other very interesting characters, one was carrying around Cap't Morgans and a liter of Coke, he offered me a shot a few times, and I took them. I gave him two of my beers and continued to chit chat about nothing.

Ellie and her boyfriend left she thanked me for the dance.

My friends and I decided to go, and as I was climbing into my friends truck I snagged my flip flop on the door and snapped the piece into between my toes.

I got home and hit the bed around four.


-NK

(10) Tandem

The second year of Latin was with Gertrude Champe, her years had somehow found her teaching four of us Latin in a walk space between two other classrooms. She was always trying to push me as far as I could go, and she was always testing who I was.

I have run into her once, and she looked me right in the eye and said 'What happened Nick, I thought you would be off doing wonderful things now. You had such a wonderful mind.' Here she was standing years later, not the teacher pushing me further; but a mentor looking at a pupil that has failed to progress.


I used to work for a man that would crack a beer at nine in the morning, he was an outdoors-man. He would swear, say crude racist and sexist remarks; most of the time just to judge my reaction.

A few weeks back I went to the yearly party that he throws. I had a few drinks in me and he comes up and tells me that I should not drink so much. He was more drunk then I was, but he had a look that can not be mistaken. He had that look a dad would have when the police brought his son home.

From looking back at it all, I have not lived up to my potentials. I seem to place myself one step behind where I want to be. I close to expectations, and further down then the negative criticism given. In some areas I learned the wrong lesson and made the wrong choices. All of which I have to accept and relearn.


-NK

Journal Entry #12: The Tale of Sir Rantsalot

A week ago I found out that Rant was playing at a restaurant, I knew a few of the members and had seen them before, so I decided to go.

While I was donning whole boxes on at work I decided that I could make a suit of armor out of duct tape and cardboard, it was a good enough idea for a costume and I always wanted a reason to make a cardboard suit of armor.

The first night I got a good start and then I started to taper off. I can honestly merit the finishing of my costume to '76 Olympic Decathlon Gold Medalist Bruce Jenner. I finally opened the book he wrote, my high school cross country teacher had given it to me for being most dedicated of 2005. While reading the first chapter I decided that I did in fact want to finish my costume.

All and all I spent about 20 bucks and six hours on the armor. I decided that it would be a good idea to place the bands symbol, an R, on the back. The night of Halloween I was looking at one of the best things I had crafted with my bare hands. I had even come up with a back story.

I was a knight of Rantopia. Where is my sword you ask, well all disputes of Rantopia are handled through concerts. Whole wars are waged just to see how loud they can make the crowd scream.

Keeping time with the music I found to be an easy and fun practice. Concerts are the only place where I can jump up and down, and yell at the top of my lungs; and people think it is great. I was just having fun, and one of the stuff members in the crowd came over, 'What size shirt are you?' He just gave me a shirt for being me, how great is that!

Then it came time for the costume contest. I was hoping...

The lead singer started his spiel, 'Well there are a lot of sexy costumes, there are a lot of scary costumes....but there is only one person that made his own RANT ARMOR!' I walked up and they showed the symbol on my back to the crowd and they all started cheering for me. People where surfacing, saying 'Dude you rock.' and then the bartender walked up and presented me two fifty dollar bills. Eric from the band yelled out 'Sir Rantsalot.'

My neighbor across the street was there, a guy that used to watch wrestling with my brother was there. I became a person of chit chat, I got invited to a few after parties. I went to one and had a good time hanging out with a few of the band members and their friends and a few of my friends.

Who knew you could turn cardboard and duct tape into profit and a great time?

-NK

(W10) Diet

Not ten minutes ago I found myself enjoying pizza and soda from the Student Association. I took the two slices that I had selected and walked to the table I was sharing with my friend.

'There is pizza out there? Hmm.. I don't know, ah what the heck. I can't turn down free pizza.'

A member of the Student Association looked up and said, 'its not free, the student association payed for it.'

my friend turned and said 'I guess it is a perspective thing...'

To enjoy my free pizza, guilt free, I walked back out with my friend. There one of the students that works in the computer lab was pouring diet Pepsi into a cup 'Kinda ironic isn't it, eating pizza and drinking diet Pepsi.'

'Yeah I guess we all do that a lot.' After the conversation ended I was looking at all the sides of irony that where there. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

'Kinda ironic isn't it, eating pizza and drinking diet Pepsi.' He was saying that choosing the diet Pepsi over regular Pepsi was a healthier choice whereas the pizza was an unhealthy choice altogether. I saw the word diet as the most ironic part of the statement.

Soda companies use the word diet to mean: not containing sugar. The common American views the word to mean: a healthier choice. Sugar is unhealthy in high doses because it exerts organs trying to balance your body, a sugar supplement may very well be just as bad for you in high doses; there just has not been a scientific study on the effects of prolonged exposure to regular doses of a certain sugar supplement.

Kinda ironic isn't it.

(W9) The Snot Squad

We had arrived an hour early for my bus back home; Jake, Tia and myself, the only members of the Snot Squad.

The Squads formation took place on my last day as a resident in Portland, I was walking with Tia to locate a brick that said 'WHAT', I wanted a picture of it before I left. On my search we ran into Jake. I gave up the search, when I found a spot where a brick once was and I convinced them both to go to get bubble tea. On the walk down I took a picture of Tia as she scrunched up her face. We sat down with our choices of bubble tea, each tasted like a different flower and the blue, pearl sized, 'bubbles' would hit the roof of your mouth as they came out of the straw. I went to take a picture of Jake and he scrunched his face. I looked back on the camera and sure enough it was the same scrunched up face Tia had made. I had my photo taken and we were hence forth the Snot Squad.

I had bought a SD card for this trip to Portland, it still had six hundred or so shots I could take. So, the second I got in I started taking pictures. We started laughing and joking about the Snot Squad and I decided that we needed a group photo. I turned to one of the people sitting on the bench and asked if he would take our picture. He got the camera ready and I said 'We are going to make weird faces, so don't worry we're supposed to look like that' We all scrunched up our faces, the man looked over the top of the camera to make sure the viewfinder was not playing a trick on him. It was all I could do not to laugh.

When it was time to form the line we sat down and started talking about random things we had done and friends that we had. When the topics started to run out, Tia said, 'have you ever played the pulse game?' We each took one of the others hands, the pulse was sent by squeezing the hand that had not just been squeezed. Tia squeezes Jake's hand, then he squeezes mine, then I squeeze Tia's. It continues until someone loses it, ours got to the point were it seemed that the pulse you had just sent was being received by your other hand.

The hour went by too quickly. After a man took a head count we traded hugs, they left the station and I got on the bus to go home.

(W7) My Father

In this town, my father is well known. Anyone over thirty that has lived in this town for the least ten years knows my father. He spent the better part of sixty years in this town. When I run into people in the grocery store or on the side of the road, they turn to whoever they are with and say 'This is Everett's youngest.'

After graduating he worked for a local bar and sold brushes door to door. Then he worked for the post office for thirty-five years, twenty of which he was a postal carrier. He would always find time to talk about the day with anyone that said hi. He would hum songs and sing the choruses.

Whenever we go to the store at least three people would stop and say 'Hey Everett' He would talk to them for hours, ask them how there kids were, ask them if they still lived at such and such. I remember looking at him and going, 'Dad they said your name but you never said theirs.' To me he would admit that he had no idea what there name was, he knew where they lived because he delivered their mail, he knew they had kids because it was all they talked about.

My father is held in the memories of hundreds, as a good man that always had the time to talk.

-NK

(W8) Change in a Pocket

The Muscular Dystrophy Association researches to find treatments to 35 diseases. They work toward proper diagnose and treatment of thousands of patients. Millions of dollars are raised each year to fund the programs and research of the Association. Donations gathered by a telethon on Labor Day, will get you a mug or a t-shirt. Donations every time you walk by a small collection can, allow you to remain anonymous.

I live one tenth of a mile away from a Mobil Gas Station. When my thirst cannot be quenched by the contents of the refrigerator I walk to the gas station. The selection is astounding and limiting all at the same time, I select the drink that looks most appealing at the time. I always pay in cash, my alloted mad money for the week. After my purchase I deposit, anywhere from one penny to three quarters, two dimes and four pennies, into the the small plastic can that reads: Help Fight Muscular Dystrophy.

Why should I keep all that change in my pocket?

-NK

(W5) Teddy Grams and Mountain Dew

When I got back home after a year in Portland I owed a bank three hundred dollars in loans.

The story starts in the University Credit Union (UCU) loan department. A cubical with carpet wall dividers, with the frosted wavy glass at the top. The female banker sat behind a desk, one part for paperwork, the other part to the side for the computer. 'You do not have any credit we can not give you a loan without a co-signer.' I thought to myself Well there goes any hope of eating this summer.

I was not about to go back home, I enjoyed living on my own and being in the city. So I stayed, the payment plan was not all that bad, one fourth the summer fee each month. The problem lied in me wanting to pay it off in two so that I would have a bit in savings when school started up again. I payed in all but twenty dollars, the day I got my check. Two days later I was out of food and still had five days until my next paycheck. The first three days I spent eating the teddy grams from my mother care package, and drinking the 36 pack of mountain dew that I walked a mile with, after it was given to me at a LAN(Local Area Network) party. On the third day I woke up three times chugging a can of mountain dew, only to just pass out again.

I decided to use my UCU debit card to take out money, to buy a sandwich, I figured I would just have to pay a fee. The next few weeks found me with a good amount of money, and I went to the bank to make sure that I did not owe them any money, I did not. I continued to spend my money on CDs, energy drinks, and food.

As it turns out the UCU debit card comes with an over draft protection. When a card holder overdrafts the 'small' sum of one hundred dollars is transferred into their account. This protection covers up to three hundred dollars in loans.

To set myself straight money wise I decided it best to move back home.

Just to recap, in order to obtain a loan from the University Credit Union: You must prove that you have no idea what you are doing with your account. Don't bother trying to apply for a loan, just get a debit card with overdraft protection.


-NK

(W6) The Dooryard

The Dooryard is a multifunction, donation based loft space. I Black sheet made up the back of the makeshift theater. I cart with a projector and laptop set between mismatched couches and chairs. Off to the far wall there was another black sheet, a rope and green thing hung from rafters, and a footlocker chest sat oddly on the floor.

The theme of the day was The Thunderdome; It was the Mad Max marathon. Cinnabon coffee flavored drinks were stacked by the door in twelve packs, next to the donation plate and the e-mail sign-up sheet. In between the films there were an intermissions, the first was just a time to run and get food and chat. I went to the restroom, in which there was a typewriter sitting on a coffee table. The ribbon held small verses from random authors, I added a piece on how I came to be sitting in this location typing on a typewriter.

After the film the footlocker made sense; It was for the Thunderdome Arm Wrestling Contest. The ropes never saw there full function, something to do with the complication in the production of foam weapons and the early morning shifts for the renters of the loft.


-NK

(W5) Training, a Valueble Tool.

Back in November of 2005, I had been working in the department for three months; all of which was purely customer service and cleaning slicers. I remember looking at the person, that had only been there for a week, who was getting trained on breaking down the salad bar. Why was she alloted a different job when she had the same job title? I took it personally and the only reason I did not walk out was because I was brought up to never walk away. Through questioning on it, they told me that I was needed more on the counter, and that in January when business slowed down I would be trained on a few more things.

There were two ways to do things, by the book and the shortcut way. The shortcut way got the thing done, it just did not require as many steps and actions. Each member of management in the department had a different tolerance of the shortcuts, some would not allow you to do somethings; others, no shortcuts where allowed. The trick was to ask them how they wanted it done and watch when they lectured someone else on doing something wrong. The what not to do rules where more important then the actual rules.

March 2006, I watched one of the better associates get weeded out. He was unorthodox and pushed things to their limit all the time. It was more like he was operating a deli of the 70's; he did not believe in sanitizer, he would let meat pile on the slicer until he could not fit his hand in to catch meat. He got the job done without following the rules, but he did fit the changing face of the deli. People wanted there machines clean and sanitary. So, when new management arrived they placed him in the sink, he was to just wash dishes and clean the department at the end of the day; and if he did anything wrong he would have to hear about it for at least an hour the next day. He walked, he knew that they would just keep hassling him until he left.

In April of 2007, I started to work at the deli in the Portland store. I slowly got the knack for telling who was going to last a long time and who would only last a few weeks. Regular clerks and shift leaders were in constant flux. For the people that I got along well with I showed them the tricks to dealing with the deli; for those that were rude and seemed to lack the qualities needed for an effective service clerk, I let them run their course.

In the Portland store I trained and guided 14, three of which I thought would make it any given amount of time. Managers would read a list of objectives and point at the areas involved, when it came time to do something; someone who had done the job a hundred times over would tell you how to do somethings and what the outcome should be. A week after you were trained on something, if you could not do it efficiently they would tell you that you needed to do it faster. I worked my hardest to be the trainer, I knew that it did not matter how much potential person has if you do not teach them how to do the job.

In August of 2007 I returned to my first store and I watched as they started to follow new rules. All of the new rules had been in effect at the Portland store, so I knew that they were not new. Because I knew what the rules had been I talked about it with lower forms of management, by piecing what they said together I learned that somewhere there was a complete list of the rules and protocol, but we only had to make sure that we followed the ones that the store manager wanted us to follow.

Through my two plus years in the deli I learned the real training of a deli, is learning how to stay in the deli.
-Never take things personally
-Never do something you are not going to be able to do everyday
-Ask as many questions as possible
-Walk the line when it come to rules
-Be ready for change
-Learn how to meet their standards in your own way.

Standard deli training only teaches you to make the deli functional, it has nothing to do with keeping you there.

-NK

Re: (W5) Into the Woods

This one game that I played, there were three of us. One of was a some thirty year old guy that knew the owner of the property, the other guy was my friend, Mario. Well we all entered into the woods, it was our second time playing on the field, and the hill was always a focal point.

Well I sent Mario off to the left, I told him to wait until they started to fire on us and move in, or to fire when they got real close and we would come to back him. The thirty year old, was always trigger happy. I even told him to calm down a bit, even though I knew that it would not matter.

I actually expected him to fire early, so much so I made sure I had a vantage point on people passing to move up to him. Sure enough, the second they entered the field he started to fire. Two of the other team moved in to get a shot on him, returning fire the whole time.

The two passed me, and I noticed that neither of them were the four meant to come in after us. I made the decision to wait to make sure I had a shot. I was too happy to here that my teammate was shoot out. The two of them content with their victory stood up, I fired out four shots. Both ducked for cover, one right into a clearing in the underbrush, he got three to the back. I moved from my brush to the other side of the rock I was near and fired at the other as he popped out to fire at my old location.

As I started to scan the hill to see if anyone had taken notice, I saw a white spot. There poking out from under a rock twenty yards away was a shoe. After a bout of deliberation I decided that I should fire at the shoe. Three shots, one splattering paint from off the rock and the other hitting the middle of his foot. When a voice and a body were added to the shoe I was surprised, relieved, confused and empowered.

As I turned to look, I heard shots and ducked. They were both in poor cover, sparse trees only like a foot around. Weaving in and out of my rock cover on the high ground I made quick work of them. At that point I was so full of adrenaline I just wanted to be shot to prove it was still possible. I fired my gun into the air and yelled as I walked down the hill. Nothing, and then sounds of a fire fight, I started to walk toward and I saw a clear shot one another person, I made sure it was not my remaining teammate and lined up my sights. I wanted to make the shot count so I start to close the gap.

The second before I was going to pull the trigger I heard the triple fire of his gun. I knew it meant he was out of air and I felt cheated of my sixth out in one game.

(W5) Into the woods.

The three of us entered into the woods, once out of ear shot we started to make a plan.

‘Ok, I am going to take a position on the hill. You go left, and you go right.’ Started walking with the man in his early thirties. ‘Ok, the last few games I noticed that you fire early. Wait until the get really close, these guns are not as accurate as real guns. When you fire across the field you just give away your position.’

I knew that the man on the right would fire early and draw them to him, so I scanned the right side of the hill. I found a small bunker made of underbrush and three spaced apart rocks, it concealed me while crouching and allowed a little movement on the top of the hill.

Then we heard the call for the start of the match. Less then a minute in the man on the right fire, two men on the other team took notice and started to advance on him. As they got close I noticed that neither of them was one of the three that were supposed to enter after us. Well it looks like everyone else showed up.

My shot at them was blocked and I did not want to give up my position early. Both of them started to fire at my partner. When he yelled ‘I’M OUT,’ the two of them stood up and I had a shot at them. I fired off four rounds and they ducked down. One ducked right into an open patch of the underbrush, his back arched forward as three paintballs broke against his sweat shirt. The other noticed my position and started to return fire while backing up to get a clear shot. As he hide behind a tree, I moved to the other side of one of my rocks, and as he leaned out from his cover I laid one into his chest.

I ducked down and started to scan the front of the hill, as I started to look back a white blur caught my eye. Is that a shoe, it is a shoe. Its not moving was it already out here, well I might as well shoot at it. I fired three shots. As the owner of the shoe yelled in pain, I thought if he had shot at me I would have been out for sure, he had a clear shot on my whole back.

While mulling over why he just sat there, two advancing men started to open fire. I moved in and out of the three rocks trying to fire from a different spot as much as I could. I got both of them, how many are out here. I could here a distant firefight. Well at least he probably waited till he had a clear shot.

To test my new found invincibility I stood up and started to walk down the hill with my pro carbine raised above my head firing rounds into the sky, no one fired at me. I got a sight on another guy and as I lined up my gun to fire, I heard a quick triple shot and an ‘I’m out, I’m out.’ His gun had run out of CO2 .

‘You sent out seven to get us?’
‘Yeah, everyone showed up and they were ready to go.’

We all stood around the two picnic tables covered with supplies, lively stories were thrown back and forth. After hear the people I shot tell

Journal Entry #11: Uh, mmmh, Oh!

Two days ago while I was enthralled in my normal laptop session, a girl that I used to hangout with in high school came on. Currently she is in a relationship with some guy. Well, I was a little inebriated, so I was open with my thoughts.

Me: Well had you not been dating someone I would have asked you out on a date.
Her: And we probably would have gone a couple of dates, I do not know how serous it would have gotten because of our busy schedules.
Me: Well I guess I should have asked you out freshmen year.
Her: Seriously, I wanted you to ask me out freshmen year, but you never did.

Well lesson learned, I am a dumb ass. But since I read that I have felt different, I missed an opportunity because I failed to act, not because it did not exist. My whole mindset one certain things was just way off base.

Yesterday at work I was not compelled to discuss everything, I did not take anything personally. I did not feel anxious, I did not feel overwhelmed.

Just one more thing that proves the power of words. Those fourteen words placed the way they are made me feel human and alive. Those fourteen words have changed how I interact with people almost all together. Those fourteen words bathed me with warmth and light.


Here's to the next journey that comes my way,

-NK

Re: (W5) K and I

It was the summer of 2005, I was 17. Two days after I got back from a leadership conference in Boston, Julia, one of my brother’s friends, came up to me and said. ‘I saw Katie and she wanted to say hi.’ I was a little confused as to what she meant so I said ‘Oh Hi’ and continued on.

A week later my brother was took Julia to ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,’ for her birthday and invited me alone. Sitting in the backseat of my brother’s new Ford Focus ZX3, I brought up what Julia had said. She told me that Katie had come over to visit, and there was a photo of me at one of my brothers parties. ‘You know him?’, ‘Yeah he is Marc’s brother.’

In February of 2003, a friend of mine was in the local Gilbert and Sullivan Society. After the last performance I helped to tear down the set, something about a cast party intrigued me. The people that I had seen performing, were trading inside jokes all around me. It was like ordering soda in Presque Isle, Maine if you were born and breed in Atlanta, Georgia; they were using a completely different form of the English Language. Well, Katie and Julia were both performers in said play. I had met and rather enjoyed the company of Katie.

I asked Julia if I could have Katie’s number. She texted Katie, then she read the response out loud ‘Does he really want my number or is he just being a smartass?’ I wanted to respond so Julia dialed the phone, as it rang my heart crawled its way up my throat.

When she answered I said ‘You know I don’t think anyone has called me smart before.’
‘Well I called you a Smartass’
‘I can over look the last part.’

The conversation took three minutes and Julia wanted her phone back and I got the right to call Katie back. For the next week we spent at least three hours a night on the phone. On the third day I asked her to be my girlfriend, ‘Maybe, I have to meet you first. You might be a bad kisser.’

She cam over the day before I started to run practices for cross country. We kissed, she decided that I was workable and we started dating. A few days after she came over my throat got really sore. There was enough mucus that, when I squeezed it, I could feel it pour out of my glands into my throat. ‘You might have mono, I had it last year.’

The April prior I had dislocated my shoulder, so I could not longer work as a laborer. In order to have money to take a bus to see her, I needed a steady job. I started work as a Deli Sale Associate.

The first time I went to see her my sister covered for me, she took me with her when she went to go visit one of our aunts. The day that I arrived in Portland, was the day that Katie’s cell phone bill arrived in Portland. One way or another she was over a thousand dollars off what she thought her plan allowed. I was excited to be there, she was mad at herself.

It did not take long for me to enjoy having her on the other side of the bed. There was only one time that I fought for space of the bed. She got up in the middle of the night, and the sleeping me sprawled out and was not willing to give the space back.

The long distance was a little hard, but suited me fine. I had a part time job, ran cross country, a puppy and had a full course load for my senior year. For my birthday my mother got me a phone for my room, the plan allowed for any calls in the state.

I started to get real tired very night, my legs would burn and tingle. Katie thought that she must having given me mono, so I went to my doctor to see if I had it. Te doctor looked at my throat and poked my splean, ‘You do not need to be tested for mono, the test is very expensive and it is unlikely that you have mono.’ The doctor said that I was just too busy and not sleeping enough, I agreed my plate was full. With a clean bill of health I continued to run cross country and school and work and walk the dog and take into the early morning with my girlfriend.

The cross country season ended in late October and I slept when I would have been running.

In December my girlfriend lived the winter vacation at my house, the day after Christmas she headed out to New York City with her friend to go see the Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. She came back to surprise me on New Years Eve.

I felt like I was on top of the world, even though I felt physically exhausted all the time. I took her to a Gilbert and Sullivan play, and at the cast dinner my doctor announced his retirement.

For a few weeks I was in a funk, I was depressed and tired. I decided to find a new primary care provider, my transcript of the last appointment to my old doctor did not make it to the new one. When I mentioned that I thought I had mono, the doctor also thought that it was unlikely that I had mono. My symptoms and family history pointed toward the early stages of a bipolar disorder. I was placed on a low dose of a bipolar med.

I got more tired, I would sleep through my classes and during any free time. My phone conversations got shorter, but we still talked everyday.

In March Katie sprained her ankle, she tore every tendon in her ankle. I started to fear the end of the relationship and it soon came. I got to Portland in mid April and she told me that she wanted a break and we were not a couple. I was pissed that I wasted forty dollars, to ride a bus for three hours, only to get dumped.

A month after the end of the relationship, I was sleeping all the time; anytime I did not have to be at work and during most of my classes. I went to the doctors and had the test for mono, it turned out that I had contracted mono from Katie.

-NFC

(W5) K and I

It was the summer of 2005, I was 17. Two days after I got back from a leadership conference in Boston, Julia, one of my brother’s friends, came up to me and said. ‘I saw Katie and she wanted to say hi.’ I was a little confused as to what she meant so I said ‘Oh Hi’ and continued on.

A week later my brother was took Julia to ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,’ for her birthday and invited me alone. Sitting in the backseat of my brother’s new Ford Focus ZX3, I brought up what Julia had said. She told me that Katie had come over to visit, and there was a photo of me at one of my brothers parties. ‘You know him?’, ‘Yeah he is Marc’s brother.’

In February of 2003, a friend of mine was in the local Gilbert and Sullivan Society. After the last performance I helped to tear down the set, something about a cast party intrigued me. The people that I had seen performing, were trading inside jokes all around me. It was like ordering soda in Presque Isle, Maine if you were born and breed in Atlanta, Georgia; they were using a completely different form of the English Language. Well, Katie and Julia were both performers in said play. I had met and rather enjoyed the company of Katie.

I asked Julia if I could have Katie’s number. She texted Katie, then she read the response out loud ‘Does he really want my number or is he just being a smartass?’ I wanted to respond so Julia dialed the phone, as it rang my heart crawled its way up my throat.

When she answered I said ‘You know I don’t think anyone has called me smart before.’
‘Well I called you a Smartass’
‘I can over look the last part.’

The conversation took three minutes and Julia wanted her phone back and I got the right to call Katie back. For the next week we spent at least three hours a night on the phone. After that she came to visit and we were officially a couple.

She lived in Portland, so there was a three hour bus ride in between us. The first time I went to see her my sister covered for me, she took me with her when she went to go visit one of our aunts. The day that I arrived in Portland, was the day that Katie’s cell phone bill arrived in Portland. One way or another she was over a thousand dollars off what she thought her plan allowed. I was excited to be there, she was mad at herself.

It did not take long for me to enjoy having her on the other side of the bed. There was only one time that I fought for space of the bed. She got up in the middle of the night, and the sleeping me sprawled out and was not willing to give the space back.

The long distance was a little hard, but suited me fine. I had a part time job, ran cross country, a puppy and had a full course load for my senior year. For my birthday my mother got me a phone for my room, the plan allowed for any calls in the state.

I started to get real tired very night, my legs would burn and tingle. I went to my doctor to see if I had mono, the doctor said it was very unlikely, and that I just was doing a lot. I agreed my plate was full and I continued to run cross country and school and work and walk the dog and take into the early morning with my girlfriend.

The cross country season ended in late October and I slept when I would have been running.

In December my girlfriend lived the winter vacation at my house, the day after Christmas she headed out to New York City with her friend to go see the Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. She came back to surprise me on New Years Eve.

I felt like I was on top of the world, even though I felt physically exhausted all the time. I took her to a Gilbert and Sullivan play, and at the cast dinner my doctor announced his retirement.

For a few weeks I was in a funk, I was depressed and tired. I decided to find a new primary care provider, my transcript of the last appointment to my old doctor did not make it to the new one. When I mentioned that I thought I had mono, the doctor also thought that it was unlikely that I had mono. My symptoms and family history pointed toward the early stages of a bipolar disorder. I was placed on a low dose of a bipolar med.

I got more tired, I would sleep through my classes and during any free time. My phone conversations got shorter, but we still talked everyday.

In March Katie sprained her ankle, she tore every tendon in her ankle. I started to fear the end of the relationship and it soon came. I got to Portland in mid April and she told me that she wanted a break and we were not a couple. I was pissed that I wasted forty dollars, to ride a bus for three hours, only to get dumped.

A month after the end of the relationship, I was sleeping all the time; anytime I did not have to be at work and during most of my classes. I went to the doctors and had the test for mono, it turned out that I did have mono for all of my cross country season.

-NFC