The semester ended, I pulled two A's, a B and a C with a C- in the lab. Perfectly maintaining my 3.14 GPA. But none of that really got me any closer to writing anything, in most cases it actually detoured my efforts.
I went on a weeks vacation, I got my tattoo, I got my driver's permit, and I managed to make an almost liquid version of pumpkin fudge. The time off gave me time to think more on my idea for the Fantasy based Autobiography, but I was too far from my keys and the drafting I had already done.
Got all of my paintings for xmas done, I had four left to do and I managed to paint five of them. Between painting and a head cold I managed to get no writing done.
This time of year work is increasingly boring, this year actually seems to be worse. There are four people in the department that have not been there as long as I have, and I still think my job is at risk. It may just be paranoia, but I have not seen the amount of business that I am used to.
Between drinking and spending time with friends and family my free time has flushed right on by. Currently I should be moving about and trying to find some breakfast item, but it has been so long since I have gotten anything done I think my tools are getting rusty.
Women have had the continued ability to give me no chance whatsoever. What state is the world in when people complain about being single but do not go on dates? Honestly, I understand that finding someone that is compatible is a hard task and it takes some trying, but no one is trying back. I have been on one date in my life, I learned a lot about my likes, my dislikes, my strengths, my weaknesses. Finding that I was not compatible on a date was much more helpful then someone telling me that they just got over a long relationship and they do not want anything serious, so they won't go on a date.
As far as I can piece things together, no one really knows how to come across someone that it compatible, in most cases it is just something that eventually clicks. I am just enjoy having the company of a women, I literally like talking about the view of the world with them, their hopes and dreams. I find women much easier to talk to, but they all think that when I ask them to go on a date that I just want to take them home. In all honesty I have had a women I knew very little about and it was the most damaging thing that I ever did to myself. I was reading Alan Alda's first book 'Never Have Your Dog Stuffed' and the line "the world is a place of naked women, drinking, smoking and laughing into the early morning." (para, the book is at my father's) That was about the late forties early fifties, right when people where entering an age of being that they did not completely understand. America, if not the world, continued to progress in this manner; the important things are left not talked about and people deny anything that they would have to put effort into understanding. People continued to drink and smoke, and the drinking and smoking was so great they found other recreational drugs to do, people get to a state were they make choices that would not normally make and then do something that they are ashamed about, and instead of progressing and moving on, they turn to drugs and alcohol even more, or they stay with that abusive person, or they shut themselves off from the world, or they play video games and movies until there brain can only function if all the work has been done for them.
I was standing in my kitchen listening to my nephews watch old episodes of Spider-Man, I used to watch the show when I was a kid but I never really analyzed what was going on with the scripting and progression of the show. Every line either added an unnecessary amount of drama to the story or it told you what was going on. No detail was spared to a viewer and the plot moved so fast that there was no real way for any of it to sink into a person, it just hit hard and then faded away to the next show. I found myself knowing exactly why all the children in my generation were diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, we all grew up in front of the television. How could a class, which moves at the pace of the average learner, keep up with that of a television. The more kids watched TV the more the class had to slow down because no one understood what was going on.
TV is an abused commodity, the television that is housed in my living room is never off, it is on during the day to entertain the dog and give my mother the sense of security that a stranger would not break in if the TV is on, and it is on at night because my mom sleeps 'better' with it on. Sense I was given the option, my TV is nowhere near my bed. Bedrooms are for thinking, reading, lovemaking, and sleeping, not watching TV.
I think the largest thing that has keep me from writing is all the free time that I have, my schedule is so fluid that I can't find the time to sit down and do some real writing. This is just a necessary reach out to the writer inside of myself, a plea to have him take hold and force me to write no matter what the deterrents.
Unfortunately this forty minute writing block has no time to flourish any further.
-NK
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
I have alway enjoyed Green Day's Good Riddance. Even since it played as I walked into the auditorium for my eight grade graduation, it has held a special place in my heart. When it comes on, I feel like singing it, and most of the time I do.
Today is much like all the other times that I have really been able to understand the song. Today is that last day that this blog is mandatory, this means that it will slowly fade as something else comes along. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for years, but one day in the future this blog will become something that I have to give up in order to keep moving as a person. With that noted I wanted to discuss how it has affected me as a person.
1) My writing confidence has improved, I have one piece that I did here that will be published in the Eyrie. In the book 'On Becoming a Novelist' by John Gardner, Publishers like to see that you have been published. So I will write and write and when I am done, I will submit and submit. Few things here few things there. And when it comes time to publish the books that I worked hard on, and want to have in circulation, I will be an known entity.
2) My writing ability has improved, I know where some of my strengths and weaknesses are as a writer. Knowing when and where to work hard, helps in effective productivity.
3) I have settled a few of my differences. Work is not as aggravating, school not a tiring, and time with friends is full of laughs. Some do to writing about them, some do to thinking about them to write them, some because I had the time to think about them because I had less on my plate.
That's about all I can directly relate to the class.
I plan on working on a few things, and if I have the time I will post small tidbits here as the months go on.
Another turning point, A fork stuck in the road.
-NK
Today is much like all the other times that I have really been able to understand the song. Today is that last day that this blog is mandatory, this means that it will slowly fade as something else comes along. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for years, but one day in the future this blog will become something that I have to give up in order to keep moving as a person. With that noted I wanted to discuss how it has affected me as a person.
1) My writing confidence has improved, I have one piece that I did here that will be published in the Eyrie. In the book 'On Becoming a Novelist' by John Gardner, Publishers like to see that you have been published. So I will write and write and when I am done, I will submit and submit. Few things here few things there. And when it comes time to publish the books that I worked hard on, and want to have in circulation, I will be an known entity.
2) My writing ability has improved, I know where some of my strengths and weaknesses are as a writer. Knowing when and where to work hard, helps in effective productivity.
3) I have settled a few of my differences. Work is not as aggravating, school not a tiring, and time with friends is full of laughs. Some do to writing about them, some do to thinking about them to write them, some because I had the time to think about them because I had less on my plate.
That's about all I can directly relate to the class.
I plan on working on a few things, and if I have the time I will post small tidbits here as the months go on.
Another turning point, A fork stuck in the road.
-NK
(W15.2) I Like to talk with myself.
The semester is ending and I am still a year and a half away from an Associates. Between school and the part time job to pay for school, and the down time spent relaxing from them, I have not been able to make a clear cut path for what I want to do when school is over. There are a few things that I know I want.
1) I want to be a writer.
2) I want to be a father.
3) I want to be healthy enough to enjoy both.
To be a writer I need.
1) To write complete works.
2) Maintain Creativity.
3) Learn the best way to introduce the information, so that it conveys the message or tells the story; in a way that will be appealing to publishers.
To be a father I need.
1) To find, gain the favor of and live with a female.
2) Maintain a relationship throughout the birthing of the child.
3) Be there while the child grows up.
To be healthy to enjoy both.
1) Maintain the basic necessities, and limit excess.
2) Set and hold Goals.
3) Listen to my own advice.
Written down on the page it does not look like much, but the rest of the world, the things that I am passing up, the things that interject into the day, the simple fact of figuring which goal is more important when. Maybe I should restate what I want to be with more adjectives.
1) I want to be the a writer, who's books are on the night stand of millions.
2) I want to be the best father, one that is far superior then I can even currently imagine.
3) I want to be healthy enough to enjoy it, be able to take in every moment and savor every last detail. The good, the bad and the horrible tragedies of it all.
To be a writer.
1) My books need to develop characters and plots that speak to people
2) The books have to be written in a way that publishers will be drawn to them and readers will fall in love with them
3) I need to speak with every ounce of myself and create books that hold different meanings for everyone that looks in them.
To be a Father.
1) I need to cut away the right amount of lust, and find the person that loves me for me, and I them for them.
2) I need to be strong and caring, providing and supportive, Positive to Positive, Negative to Negative.
3) I need to pay attention, slow down, focus, listen, watch, teach, and know when to let go.
To be Healthy and enjoy it.
1) I need to fall to the passion of the pen, and the lust of the feeling of the keys under my fingers.
2) Feel, accept, understand, continue, rise above.
3) I need to laugh at things that got me mad, love things that made me laugh and cry, dance when my feet want to move, sing when the day has me down.
Now it seems near impossible. I cant imagine I could get myself out of the way long enough to do all of that. How about this,
1) Write and publish books.
2) Get married and have kids.
3) Enjoy it no matter what my health.
There is a bucket list that I can be content with.
-NK
1) I want to be a writer.
2) I want to be a father.
3) I want to be healthy enough to enjoy both.
To be a writer I need.
1) To write complete works.
2) Maintain Creativity.
3) Learn the best way to introduce the information, so that it conveys the message or tells the story; in a way that will be appealing to publishers.
To be a father I need.
1) To find, gain the favor of and live with a female.
2) Maintain a relationship throughout the birthing of the child.
3) Be there while the child grows up.
To be healthy to enjoy both.
1) Maintain the basic necessities, and limit excess.
2) Set and hold Goals.
3) Listen to my own advice.
Written down on the page it does not look like much, but the rest of the world, the things that I am passing up, the things that interject into the day, the simple fact of figuring which goal is more important when. Maybe I should restate what I want to be with more adjectives.
1) I want to be the a writer, who's books are on the night stand of millions.
2) I want to be the best father, one that is far superior then I can even currently imagine.
3) I want to be healthy enough to enjoy it, be able to take in every moment and savor every last detail. The good, the bad and the horrible tragedies of it all.
To be a writer.
1) My books need to develop characters and plots that speak to people
2) The books have to be written in a way that publishers will be drawn to them and readers will fall in love with them
3) I need to speak with every ounce of myself and create books that hold different meanings for everyone that looks in them.
To be a Father.
1) I need to cut away the right amount of lust, and find the person that loves me for me, and I them for them.
2) I need to be strong and caring, providing and supportive, Positive to Positive, Negative to Negative.
3) I need to pay attention, slow down, focus, listen, watch, teach, and know when to let go.
To be Healthy and enjoy it.
1) I need to fall to the passion of the pen, and the lust of the feeling of the keys under my fingers.
2) Feel, accept, understand, continue, rise above.
3) I need to laugh at things that got me mad, love things that made me laugh and cry, dance when my feet want to move, sing when the day has me down.
Now it seems near impossible. I cant imagine I could get myself out of the way long enough to do all of that. How about this,
1) Write and publish books.
2) Get married and have kids.
3) Enjoy it no matter what my health.
There is a bucket list that I can be content with.
-NK
(W15.1) Quotes, Questions and Last Words.
Nick walks into NFC’s office
Nick- Hi, how are you today?
NFC- Oh hey Nick, what are you doing here?
Nick- I have a class in 45 minutes, can I just wait here.
NFC- Sure.
Nick- So, Pope Nicholas Francis Christopher.
NFC- yeah?
Nick- How could there be a God?
NFC- I guess it is a perspective thing...
Nick- WHAT
NFC- I follow my path to God, you follow the one that you think is right, and we all will stand before God to be Judged.
Everett walks in
Nick- Hey Everett
Everett- Nick, right?
Nick- Yeah.
NFC- Well hey there stranger, what brings you here?
Everett- B double E double R U N, Beer Run.
Nick-Man I love this song
Everett- You wanna come?
NFC- That would be fun, but I can't I have to get packed.
Everett- Well I have to run,
Everett exits. Nick’s teacher walks by.
NFC- Wow that's great, you still working.
Nick- Philosophy: 100 Essential Thinkers.
NFC- Yeah
Nick- EMCC
NFC- Oh, you teach there?
Nick- Kinda ironic isn't it.
NFC- Things are much more formal.
Nick- Well I am going to go to class, I saw the teacher walk by earlier.
NFC-well do come back.
-NK (A pseudonym will suit me just fine in my writing career)
Nick- Hi, how are you today?
NFC- Oh hey Nick, what are you doing here?
Nick- I have a class in 45 minutes, can I just wait here.
NFC- Sure.
Nick- So, Pope Nicholas Francis Christopher.
NFC- yeah?
Nick- How could there be a God?
NFC- I guess it is a perspective thing...
Nick- WHAT
NFC- I follow my path to God, you follow the one that you think is right, and we all will stand before God to be Judged.
Everett walks in
Nick- Hey Everett
Everett- Nick, right?
Nick- Yeah.
NFC- Well hey there stranger, what brings you here?
Everett- B double E double R U N, Beer Run.
Nick-Man I love this song
Everett- You wanna come?
NFC- That would be fun, but I can't I have to get packed.
Everett- Well I have to run,
Everett exits. Nick’s teacher walks by.
NFC- Wow that's great, you still working.
Nick- Philosophy: 100 Essential Thinkers.
NFC- Yeah
Nick- EMCC
NFC- Oh, you teach there?
Nick- Kinda ironic isn't it.
NFC- Things are much more formal.
Nick- Well I am going to go to class, I saw the teacher walk by earlier.
NFC-well do come back.
-NK (A pseudonym will suit me just fine in my writing career)
(16,1) BEH Entry #8: Real life Re; Run
7:00pm- I got out of work, this time I was lucky enough to have a hat, I still was cold. Even though I had accommodated for the weather, the weather got colder.
7:30- A toaster is a good way to make a warm sandwich. While the bread was toasting I held a plate with the cheese in and meat above it, I found that this warmed my hands more then it heated the food, which was all the more reason to do it. If you stare intently at a toaster, the bread popping will jump you like a jack in the box.
8:00- E-mail, Instant Message, Facebook... time flies when you submit yourself to the internet.
9:39- At about nine o'clock the internet lost its appeal, but the warmth had just returned to my bones, and I knew how cold it was out there. I bundled up, for the first ten minutes I stay fairly warm. Then the cold started to set into my fingers and toes. If I did not know any better I would say it was mid January already.
10:00- I played "The Patriot", more because I wanted to have something going that would be less likely to draw my attention, but I also wanted something to break up the monotonous rhythm of memorizing words for a lab test. Four more days and I am free from school for a few short weeks.
12:10am- I know that when 8am is on the other side of sleep, I want to get to bed around 12. I shut everything off and hit the pillow.
Battle Stats-
1) My life at the least, falls into a rhythm and it is hard to interject new things into the rhythm.
2) I am not sure what is better, a toaster or a toaster oven; sure the oven makes great sandwiches, but it won't jump you as the bread pops up.
3) I am beginning to believe that the saying "I would rather the cold to the hot, in the cold I can put more on, the heat I can only take so much off." is something that people say to deny that they are really cold, and it sucks.
4) One discussion on Instant Massager, led me to thinking that I need to start forming the writing group I want. I figure four people, meeting once a week for at least two hours a session. I already call it 'The Writer's Collective' Certain appeal to an official name.
5) Nine to five, is not my ideal life style, and I have a distaste for deadlines. I guess the trick is to have it all done before you plan to start.
7:30- A toaster is a good way to make a warm sandwich. While the bread was toasting I held a plate with the cheese in and meat above it, I found that this warmed my hands more then it heated the food, which was all the more reason to do it. If you stare intently at a toaster, the bread popping will jump you like a jack in the box.
8:00- E-mail, Instant Message, Facebook... time flies when you submit yourself to the internet.
9:39- At about nine o'clock the internet lost its appeal, but the warmth had just returned to my bones, and I knew how cold it was out there. I bundled up, for the first ten minutes I stay fairly warm. Then the cold started to set into my fingers and toes. If I did not know any better I would say it was mid January already.
10:00- I played "The Patriot", more because I wanted to have something going that would be less likely to draw my attention, but I also wanted something to break up the monotonous rhythm of memorizing words for a lab test. Four more days and I am free from school for a few short weeks.
12:10am- I know that when 8am is on the other side of sleep, I want to get to bed around 12. I shut everything off and hit the pillow.
Battle Stats-
1) My life at the least, falls into a rhythm and it is hard to interject new things into the rhythm.
2) I am not sure what is better, a toaster or a toaster oven; sure the oven makes great sandwiches, but it won't jump you as the bread pops up.
3) I am beginning to believe that the saying "I would rather the cold to the hot, in the cold I can put more on, the heat I can only take so much off." is something that people say to deny that they are really cold, and it sucks.
4) One discussion on Instant Massager, led me to thinking that I need to start forming the writing group I want. I figure four people, meeting once a week for at least two hours a session. I already call it 'The Writer's Collective' Certain appeal to an official name.
5) Nine to five, is not my ideal life style, and I have a distaste for deadlines. I guess the trick is to have it all done before you plan to start.
Monday, December 8, 2008
(16.1) BEH Entry #7: Yeah,yeah. Tomorrow.
A day full of the moving of frozen Dihydrogen Monoxide and fifteen minutes of the song that never ends.
8:02pm- I was in the mood for raspberry ginger ale. I grabbed the usual Adirondack, and then walked by a display of the Schweppes Raspberry Ginger Ale! Well I am one for trying new things, and I just had to know if it was better then the Adirondack; I grabbed the Schweppes, also. I got to the line and there in front of me, was a women and her son buying 9 boxes of thirty pounds of butter. I had gone to school with the womens daughter; amazingly when you are a deli sales associate you learn who everyone parents are. I commented on the butter 'What are you guys making the largest slip and slide?' Unfortunately for me they were not in fact making a large slip and slide, the butter was for the food pantry. One of my old cross country buddies was the bagger and he thought it was a good joke, and that the butter would make a good slip and slide. I traded pleasantries with the women on how her daughter was doing.
20:18:01- I chit chatted with the front end and then headed home. The Schweppes tasted more like raspberry, hit the tongue softer and did not have the same initial after taste, the jury is still out. I only had my work hat, and the wind blew straight into my face. I started to pull forth lyrics of songs to make the walk more enjoyable. Which resulted in my having no idea if it was snowing when I got home.
8:40- I laid down on my couch and my back started to melt into the cushion. I discussed trip plans with some friends, I go to Portland on Sunday. By the time I had discussed all that I needed my body no longer wanted to move, it had relaxed just fine.
9:36- What is it that makes a dog take five times longer to go, when the cold air is cutting through your clothes? I know that factually no additional time was taken on the walk, but the second I decided that I was going to wait for him to go and then return, it seemed like he was going to take his time and survey the options available to him.
10:00- I threw my Chinese leftovers and a dish of fried scallops into a bowl, either I was exceedingly hungry or sweet and sour fried scallops is delicious. I grabbed two of the couch cushions and doubled them up to make the couch more comfortable, my lounge is more inviting then my room. I put in 'The Patriot' with Mel Gibson. The onset of my father's favorite line 'I am a parent, I do not have any principals,' the movie drew me in and I watched intently. I started to watch for the details of the story, and the camera angles. When the leader if the British troops said 'The Hierarchy of the new world will be land owners,I realized how different America would be today if they had won the war. Many freedoms may have never been gained. Rights of Africans and women may never have come about. The rich, the working class, the slaves. This nation became a strong and powerful nation based on its views of equality, but now that white Americans are a minority it seems that most references toward equality were for white upperclassmen. I do not believe that the dream was to advance whites, I think it was meant to house everyone. But because the population of the government officials were white males, it started to slip away and become less clear.
12:10am- I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep.
Battle Stats-
1) I love Raspberry Ginger Ale.
2) Nostalgia feel weird in the bottom of my stomach.
3) I am a know commodity, people know my first name.
4) If I have to choose between gloves or hat, I choose hat.
5) Tension and Relaxation of the back muscles while reading a book, lessen the sore back from shoveling snow.
6) I can play through every one of my movies just by looking at the title, and I have over a hundred of them.
7) If you focus on something it takes longer than it would if you focus on something else. e.g. the walk home in the cold, and the dog going to the bathroom.
8) America is a great nation that is falling to Greed.
9) I never want to go muzzle to muzzle with the red coats in an open field.
8:02pm- I was in the mood for raspberry ginger ale. I grabbed the usual Adirondack, and then walked by a display of the Schweppes Raspberry Ginger Ale! Well I am one for trying new things, and I just had to know if it was better then the Adirondack; I grabbed the Schweppes, also. I got to the line and there in front of me, was a women and her son buying 9 boxes of thirty pounds of butter. I had gone to school with the womens daughter; amazingly when you are a deli sales associate you learn who everyone parents are. I commented on the butter 'What are you guys making the largest slip and slide?' Unfortunately for me they were not in fact making a large slip and slide, the butter was for the food pantry. One of my old cross country buddies was the bagger and he thought it was a good joke, and that the butter would make a good slip and slide. I traded pleasantries with the women on how her daughter was doing.
20:18:01- I chit chatted with the front end and then headed home. The Schweppes tasted more like raspberry, hit the tongue softer and did not have the same initial after taste, the jury is still out. I only had my work hat, and the wind blew straight into my face. I started to pull forth lyrics of songs to make the walk more enjoyable. Which resulted in my having no idea if it was snowing when I got home.
8:40- I laid down on my couch and my back started to melt into the cushion. I discussed trip plans with some friends, I go to Portland on Sunday. By the time I had discussed all that I needed my body no longer wanted to move, it had relaxed just fine.
9:36- What is it that makes a dog take five times longer to go, when the cold air is cutting through your clothes? I know that factually no additional time was taken on the walk, but the second I decided that I was going to wait for him to go and then return, it seemed like he was going to take his time and survey the options available to him.
10:00- I threw my Chinese leftovers and a dish of fried scallops into a bowl, either I was exceedingly hungry or sweet and sour fried scallops is delicious. I grabbed two of the couch cushions and doubled them up to make the couch more comfortable, my lounge is more inviting then my room. I put in 'The Patriot' with Mel Gibson. The onset of my father's favorite line 'I am a parent, I do not have any principals,' the movie drew me in and I watched intently. I started to watch for the details of the story, and the camera angles. When the leader if the British troops said 'The Hierarchy of the new world will be land owners,I realized how different America would be today if they had won the war. Many freedoms may have never been gained. Rights of Africans and women may never have come about. The rich, the working class, the slaves. This nation became a strong and powerful nation based on its views of equality, but now that white Americans are a minority it seems that most references toward equality were for white upperclassmen. I do not believe that the dream was to advance whites, I think it was meant to house everyone. But because the population of the government officials were white males, it started to slip away and become less clear.
12:10am- I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep.
Battle Stats-
1) I love Raspberry Ginger Ale.
2) Nostalgia feel weird in the bottom of my stomach.
3) I am a know commodity, people know my first name.
4) If I have to choose between gloves or hat, I choose hat.
5) Tension and Relaxation of the back muscles while reading a book, lessen the sore back from shoveling snow.
6) I can play through every one of my movies just by looking at the title, and I have over a hundred of them.
7) If you focus on something it takes longer than it would if you focus on something else. e.g. the walk home in the cold, and the dog going to the bathroom.
8) America is a great nation that is falling to Greed.
9) I never want to go muzzle to muzzle with the red coats in an open field.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
(16.1) BEH Entry #6: A Mile of Darkness.
Four o'clock, Five o'clock...Work.
5:57pm- Work had gone on long enough; I have found that if I ask to leave three minutes early, I have to stay till the end of the day, if I walk out and say goodbye, I go home three minutes early. Some days, I just need to leave a few minutes early; normally I need to leave when there is nothing to do.
(18:42:57)- The receipt printed from the self check out. One of my work shoes has a split from side to side that goes to the toes. I bought a new set of shoes, half a size up, and a set of boxers. Instead of walking the two miles home, I walked the one and a half miles to my father's.
7:25- I burned through three nights of leftovers, my dad wanted to make sure that I was eating well. Most nights he is in bed around 7, but he wanted to spend time with me.
8:02- I followed one of the quotes a co-worker told me; 'You have to learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.' -Hyman G. Rickover. I watched the movie 'Step-Brothers', as many of Will Ferrel's movies there were a few scenes that were over the top. The movie is about a 39 year old and a 40 year old that still live at home, and they become step-brothers.
10:37- "The Darjeeling Limited." A movie about three brothers on a train. I was not really all that interested in the movie, so I did not pay attention.
12:45am- The movie that I had rented to watch went in, "X-Files: I Want to Believe." I had yet to see an X-Files show, and I still have not.
And the Battle of the evening left ruins, the lessons surfaced slowly:
1) The economy is in ruins, and you work just hard enough to not get fired, but not hard enough to not be able to better your chances in the future.
2) This town needs lighted side walks, something that I have believed for years, but about the third time I rolled my ankle while trying to walk on the worn small shoulder.
3) I have to set goals and live up to them and get the heck out of dodge. Living starts when you start living.
4) My sister knows me better then I know myself. She can read people by the tone they say something in, even if are unaware of the tone; which is far different from the way I read people, the way they word there sentences and how long it take to come up with an answer.
-NK
5:57pm- Work had gone on long enough; I have found that if I ask to leave three minutes early, I have to stay till the end of the day, if I walk out and say goodbye, I go home three minutes early. Some days, I just need to leave a few minutes early; normally I need to leave when there is nothing to do.
(18:42:57)- The receipt printed from the self check out. One of my work shoes has a split from side to side that goes to the toes. I bought a new set of shoes, half a size up, and a set of boxers. Instead of walking the two miles home, I walked the one and a half miles to my father's.
7:25- I burned through three nights of leftovers, my dad wanted to make sure that I was eating well. Most nights he is in bed around 7, but he wanted to spend time with me.
8:02- I followed one of the quotes a co-worker told me; 'You have to learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.' -Hyman G. Rickover. I watched the movie 'Step-Brothers', as many of Will Ferrel's movies there were a few scenes that were over the top. The movie is about a 39 year old and a 40 year old that still live at home, and they become step-brothers.
10:37- "The Darjeeling Limited." A movie about three brothers on a train. I was not really all that interested in the movie, so I did not pay attention.
12:45am- The movie that I had rented to watch went in, "X-Files: I Want to Believe." I had yet to see an X-Files show, and I still have not.
And the Battle of the evening left ruins, the lessons surfaced slowly:
1) The economy is in ruins, and you work just hard enough to not get fired, but not hard enough to not be able to better your chances in the future.
2) This town needs lighted side walks, something that I have believed for years, but about the third time I rolled my ankle while trying to walk on the worn small shoulder.
3) I have to set goals and live up to them and get the heck out of dodge. Living starts when you start living.
4) My sister knows me better then I know myself. She can read people by the tone they say something in, even if are unaware of the tone; which is far different from the way I read people, the way they word there sentences and how long it take to come up with an answer.
-NK
Saturday, December 6, 2008
(16.1) BEH Entry #5: Chinese Food
Work was physically draining, which set the tone for the evening.
9:05pm- I got home and there on the stove was a bag of Chinese food. Sweet and Sour Chicken and and an order of Crab Rangoons. I devoured all but three of the crab rangoons, and then eat four peices of chicken on rice covered in sweet and sour sauce.
9:36- I took the dog for his walk. I could actually tell that it was cold out, which means that it was really cold out. My guess would be close the freezing. If I had put on pants, instead of winter pajamas and shoes instead of house slippers, I would not have noticed how cold it was.
10:00- Realizing that I had not calmed down at all from work and I was hopped up on Chinese food, I watched Lewis Black on Comedy Central. Most of the jokes I had heard about but never seen him deliver. I enjoy how he tells the joke more then the jokes themselves, and most of the cursing and some of the topics I blame on what people are stressing over. I was on the internet, but nothing caught my attention, my instant messenger was not signing in to half of my accounts.
11:30- Seeing that time was moving much faster then I would like, I started to paint. I did all three of my small pieces and the last large piece, start to finish. For the most part I surprised myself at the outcome of the paintings. Most of the time I have no idea what I am working at, I put charcoal lines down on the paper. When I start to put paint about 80% of the lines get erased immediately, only darkening the paint slightly. Then I just add paint as I see fit; the first three paintings where for the younger members of the family. I decided that I would paint a piece for my nephews this year, they are 5 and 6. I am not sure what the immediate reaction will be but I think that the lesson should be learned; Christmas is about family and friends, joy not toy. This last Black Friday, I realized that too many people have lost the Christmas spirit. Three people died on Black Friday, greed caused the deaths of three people! So I am painting Christmas, all but one gift I am giving is paintings, joy not toy.
1:00am- Beaten and battered, the Chinese food wearing off. I slept on my couch again; my lounge is heated and my room is not, and I still feel a little sick. I watched the uncut unedited comedian as I fell asleep, Galakinokis (sp). He was over the top, but I could see some risks in his style and I liked the risks.
Lessons learned in the battle of the evening hours-
1) Work after 8pm is still something that I only want to do in stride.
2) Chinese food, the Americanized version anyway, is bad for you and tastes really really really good.
3) There are huge problems in the American Culture. Food to start, the way that we accommodate our whims, and the way that people capitalize on the fact that we accommodate our whims. There were two commercials that made it into every break in the 1am show, Girls Gone Wild: Wildest Bar and Lypozene. Skinny Drunk women getting naked for a t-shirt and a drug that does not ask you to change your diet or routine to help you lose weight; that sums up the state of the American Culture.
4) I need to reupholster my couch soon. It is a sectional couch and the springs are worn out.
5) I have my ups and downs when it comes to the lack of culture in America; I spend hours a day doing nothing and reflecting on nothing but I also paint to show my belief that Christmas has nothing to do with toys.
-NK
9:05pm- I got home and there on the stove was a bag of Chinese food. Sweet and Sour Chicken and and an order of Crab Rangoons. I devoured all but three of the crab rangoons, and then eat four peices of chicken on rice covered in sweet and sour sauce.
9:36- I took the dog for his walk. I could actually tell that it was cold out, which means that it was really cold out. My guess would be close the freezing. If I had put on pants, instead of winter pajamas and shoes instead of house slippers, I would not have noticed how cold it was.
10:00- Realizing that I had not calmed down at all from work and I was hopped up on Chinese food, I watched Lewis Black on Comedy Central. Most of the jokes I had heard about but never seen him deliver. I enjoy how he tells the joke more then the jokes themselves, and most of the cursing and some of the topics I blame on what people are stressing over. I was on the internet, but nothing caught my attention, my instant messenger was not signing in to half of my accounts.
11:30- Seeing that time was moving much faster then I would like, I started to paint. I did all three of my small pieces and the last large piece, start to finish. For the most part I surprised myself at the outcome of the paintings. Most of the time I have no idea what I am working at, I put charcoal lines down on the paper. When I start to put paint about 80% of the lines get erased immediately, only darkening the paint slightly. Then I just add paint as I see fit; the first three paintings where for the younger members of the family. I decided that I would paint a piece for my nephews this year, they are 5 and 6. I am not sure what the immediate reaction will be but I think that the lesson should be learned; Christmas is about family and friends, joy not toy. This last Black Friday, I realized that too many people have lost the Christmas spirit. Three people died on Black Friday, greed caused the deaths of three people! So I am painting Christmas, all but one gift I am giving is paintings, joy not toy.
1:00am- Beaten and battered, the Chinese food wearing off. I slept on my couch again; my lounge is heated and my room is not, and I still feel a little sick. I watched the uncut unedited comedian as I fell asleep, Galakinokis (sp). He was over the top, but I could see some risks in his style and I liked the risks.
Lessons learned in the battle of the evening hours-
1) Work after 8pm is still something that I only want to do in stride.
2) Chinese food, the Americanized version anyway, is bad for you and tastes really really really good.
3) There are huge problems in the American Culture. Food to start, the way that we accommodate our whims, and the way that people capitalize on the fact that we accommodate our whims. There were two commercials that made it into every break in the 1am show, Girls Gone Wild: Wildest Bar and Lypozene. Skinny Drunk women getting naked for a t-shirt and a drug that does not ask you to change your diet or routine to help you lose weight; that sums up the state of the American Culture.
4) I need to reupholster my couch soon. It is a sectional couch and the springs are worn out.
5) I have my ups and downs when it comes to the lack of culture in America; I spend hours a day doing nothing and reflecting on nothing but I also paint to show my belief that Christmas has nothing to do with toys.
-NK
Friday, December 5, 2008
(16.1) BEH Entry #4: Health and Leisure
6:45pm- My class got out and I headed home. The walk like the rest of the day, led me to believe that I was coming down with or had a cold. My sinuses felt weird and I was drowsy. Any way you slice it I was overdrawn.
7:12- After some convincing, my mother and I went to the store. I needed to get my schedule and the refrigerator was pretty bare. I talked to a follow deli associate, who was on a smoke break, gaining myself a possible hour and a half more to today's shift. Other then the common place groceries I got a two liter of Adirondack Raspberry Ginger Ale. As the evening hours tolled on it was becoming clear that an early night was coming and ginger ale was going to be a useful tool in the middle of the night. When I have a cold I will roll over in my sleep and my throat will be so dry I wake up, ginger ale seems to work the best at soothing my throat.
8:20- I put Spiderman 3 in and surfed the internet. I would turn to watch some of my favored scenes, but otherwise I was buried in the superficial world that is the internet.
9:16- I got up and took the dog for his walk, I felt horrid. Something about telling myself that I am going to lay down until I am better and then getting up to walk the dog, just makes me feel down and out. One person in my town knows a car that is the same as the one in the beginning of the game Need for Speed 2. I was watching it to see if it was going to stop at one of the local 'shops'. I think that owner thought I was impressed that they had the car, they spun it around in the church parking lot. I knew they were just showing off so I payed no mind, I have a strong dislike for people that have nothing better to do then prove they are cool because they wasted money on a stupid car.
Sometime after 10- While watching the movie from my couch I feel asleep, the rest of my evening belonged to dreams and raspberry ginger ale.
Lessons learned in the battle of the evening-
1) When your starting to get sick, be sick. I feel great now that I got a more then full nights sleep.
2) Grocery shopping with your mother is still embarrassing, but if you make the best of it, it works out fine.
3) I need to do something about my couch because I woke up a few times in back pain or when one of my arms fell asleep.
4) Adirondack, is Adirondack not A-ron-dack, some how I never noticed the di before.
5) From the movie that I barely watched, I understood some of my struggles with relationships. Timing plays a large roll. Keeping alert to the situation is good. And resolve things when you can, with the other person, but for the most part you need to have a solution for yourself.
7:12- After some convincing, my mother and I went to the store. I needed to get my schedule and the refrigerator was pretty bare. I talked to a follow deli associate, who was on a smoke break, gaining myself a possible hour and a half more to today's shift. Other then the common place groceries I got a two liter of Adirondack Raspberry Ginger Ale. As the evening hours tolled on it was becoming clear that an early night was coming and ginger ale was going to be a useful tool in the middle of the night. When I have a cold I will roll over in my sleep and my throat will be so dry I wake up, ginger ale seems to work the best at soothing my throat.
8:20- I put Spiderman 3 in and surfed the internet. I would turn to watch some of my favored scenes, but otherwise I was buried in the superficial world that is the internet.
9:16- I got up and took the dog for his walk, I felt horrid. Something about telling myself that I am going to lay down until I am better and then getting up to walk the dog, just makes me feel down and out. One person in my town knows a car that is the same as the one in the beginning of the game Need for Speed 2. I was watching it to see if it was going to stop at one of the local 'shops'. I think that owner thought I was impressed that they had the car, they spun it around in the church parking lot. I knew they were just showing off so I payed no mind, I have a strong dislike for people that have nothing better to do then prove they are cool because they wasted money on a stupid car.
Sometime after 10- While watching the movie from my couch I feel asleep, the rest of my evening belonged to dreams and raspberry ginger ale.
Lessons learned in the battle of the evening-
1) When your starting to get sick, be sick. I feel great now that I got a more then full nights sleep.
2) Grocery shopping with your mother is still embarrassing, but if you make the best of it, it works out fine.
3) I need to do something about my couch because I woke up a few times in back pain or when one of my arms fell asleep.
4) Adirondack, is Adirondack not A-ron-dack, some how I never noticed the di before.
5) From the movie that I barely watched, I understood some of my struggles with relationships. Timing plays a large roll. Keeping alert to the situation is good. And resolve things when you can, with the other person, but for the most part you need to have a solution for yourself.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
(W16.1) BEH Entry #3: Family Matters
To stay true to form I am going to skip out on the events leading to the evening, though math class was it's own little adventure.
8:30pm- After I had changed out of the pants that had a hole in the front of them big enough to put a hand through, I called my sister. My niece had gotten the last of a life long series of operations, and she wanted Jell-o. My sister had had a few beers and as a rule would not drive, my mother was in bed and would not get up (I would like to note that I had told her it would be a good idea to go and visit earlier in the day.)
9:02- While ringing up my Jell-o and Jaeger , the cashier told her story of the first time that she drank: 'They kept passing me Jell-o shots, and then I did four Jaeger Bombs, and drank six Smirnoff Twisted. I Blacked out most the night, so this is the story my friends told me. This was the first time I drank, and I have not partied like that in a long time.'
9:34- I arrived at my destination and called my mother. 'You are there already?' she said.
'Yeah I tried to tell you I am the best walker in town.', 'Yeah but I thought you had to buy Jell-o at the store.',' I did.' What amuses me most is that she says she worries when I am out, and she told me many times not to go because it was dark. She was asleep when I called, and if I were to only walk around when it was light out I would have a tight schedule.
11somthing: I put in 'The Departed' and my sister and I chit chatted about this that and the other thing. Someone had told her that I had been arrested because I was in a car that had drugs in it. I did not even know people talked about me, much less that they make up pretty intense rumors. I have been in the passenger seat of a few cars that got pulled over, most of which it was a headlight or tail light 'out'.
About 20minutes after the movie ended: I read the Final Chapter of my book. It may have been the 99 Bananas and Jaeger talking, but it seemed as though Alan knew exactly who I was, what I was doing, and what I should be doing.
From the time I finished the book to the time I feel asleep (about an hour): I stared at the ceiling and tried to figure out what I wanted to do with the pearl of wisdom that Alan Alda had written in the book. The final chapter was like reading all of the intense parts of the book, all at once. In a few weeks I plan to read it over, one because I will remember the message better and two because it is a profound message that I think has some merit.
2:36am- I sent the a text message that read: 'YOU KNOW, OTHER THAN TEACHERS, NO ONE HAS TOLD ME I WAS WORTH ANYTHING?' It was more something that I had to say because it was a true statement than something I was upset about. I have a solid drunk text person, I assume that at some point she will ask me to stop; but until then it is great just to say the things that seem important to say.
Lessons Learned in the Battle of the Evening Hours:
1) Family Matters. I think of it as duel purpose, when there is a family matter, family matters. That is one of the reasons I love holidays. My Dad loves thanksgiving, Christmas is hard but it is family bonding time. Cathy had more Christmas Cheer then anyone I have ever met.
2) People talk about me, I was not aware that I was talk worthy. And it seems to an extent that I either look like someone that got arrested or I have an enemy.
3) Pearls of wisdom are everywhere, and life is worth slowing down to enjoy. (see there is the resemblance of a pearl of wisdom right there, slow down and enjoy the ride.)
4) I enjoy starting the piece with an odd detail of the events prior to the evening hours. Just tip toeing around the boundaries of the piece.
5) I know people better then they themselves will admit, normally because they tell me things they will never tell anyone else.
-NK
8:30pm- After I had changed out of the pants that had a hole in the front of them big enough to put a hand through, I called my sister. My niece had gotten the last of a life long series of operations, and she wanted Jell-o. My sister had had a few beers and as a rule would not drive, my mother was in bed and would not get up (I would like to note that I had told her it would be a good idea to go and visit earlier in the day.)
9:02- While ringing up my Jell-o and Jaeger , the cashier told her story of the first time that she drank: 'They kept passing me Jell-o shots, and then I did four Jaeger Bombs, and drank six Smirnoff Twisted. I Blacked out most the night, so this is the story my friends told me. This was the first time I drank, and I have not partied like that in a long time.'
9:34- I arrived at my destination and called my mother. 'You are there already?' she said.
'Yeah I tried to tell you I am the best walker in town.', 'Yeah but I thought you had to buy Jell-o at the store.',' I did.' What amuses me most is that she says she worries when I am out, and she told me many times not to go because it was dark. She was asleep when I called, and if I were to only walk around when it was light out I would have a tight schedule.
11somthing: I put in 'The Departed' and my sister and I chit chatted about this that and the other thing. Someone had told her that I had been arrested because I was in a car that had drugs in it. I did not even know people talked about me, much less that they make up pretty intense rumors. I have been in the passenger seat of a few cars that got pulled over, most of which it was a headlight or tail light 'out'.
About 20minutes after the movie ended: I read the Final Chapter of my book. It may have been the 99 Bananas and Jaeger talking, but it seemed as though Alan knew exactly who I was, what I was doing, and what I should be doing.
From the time I finished the book to the time I feel asleep (about an hour): I stared at the ceiling and tried to figure out what I wanted to do with the pearl of wisdom that Alan Alda had written in the book. The final chapter was like reading all of the intense parts of the book, all at once. In a few weeks I plan to read it over, one because I will remember the message better and two because it is a profound message that I think has some merit.
2:36am- I sent the a text message that read: 'YOU KNOW, OTHER THAN TEACHERS, NO ONE HAS TOLD ME I WAS WORTH ANYTHING?' It was more something that I had to say because it was a true statement than something I was upset about. I have a solid drunk text person, I assume that at some point she will ask me to stop; but until then it is great just to say the things that seem important to say.
Lessons Learned in the Battle of the Evening Hours:
1) Family Matters. I think of it as duel purpose, when there is a family matter, family matters. That is one of the reasons I love holidays. My Dad loves thanksgiving, Christmas is hard but it is family bonding time. Cathy had more Christmas Cheer then anyone I have ever met.
2) People talk about me, I was not aware that I was talk worthy. And it seems to an extent that I either look like someone that got arrested or I have an enemy.
3) Pearls of wisdom are everywhere, and life is worth slowing down to enjoy. (see there is the resemblance of a pearl of wisdom right there, slow down and enjoy the ride.)
4) I enjoy starting the piece with an odd detail of the events prior to the evening hours. Just tip toeing around the boundaries of the piece.
5) I know people better then they themselves will admit, normally because they tell me things they will never tell anyone else.
-NK
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
(W16.1) BEH Entry #2: Mentally Wiped
Five hours of Anatomy and Physiology has a way of taxing me mentally. So much so that anything school related was the last thing on my mind when I got home.
8:30pm- I took the dog for a walk, the evening was surprisingly warmer then half the evenings last month. My mind was still racing from class. In an average class we go over about two hundred terms that you have to remember, by the end of it you remember more of the jokes to lighten the mood then the actual information.
9:00- I put in one of my old classics, Constantine. Sure the movie was released in 2005 five, but it was in the days when I devoured movies. The movie is based of a comic series,(skip the rest of the paragraph if you plan to watch it.) the one thing that I liked about it most, is that almost every line is a foreshadow to what will happen later on in the movie. I have seen it enough times so that I know when my favorite lines and scenes are coming up, but when I watched it last night I was looking for what lines drew a picture of something else later on. I found humor in some of the lines because it either told what would happen, or it told the opposite of what would happen. People have told me that it is a boring movie, I can see why they would say that. As the movie progresses it requires to to recall a lot of things that happened to be able to piece the story together, some of the details in the beginning explain the actions in the end; most of these defining details are one line of dialog.
11:00- The best thing about having the five hour A and P class, having a better understanding of one line in the latest episode of House. The show airs while the last hour of class is taking place, so I relay on the Digital Cable Box to tape it for me and I have to wait for my mother to stop using the TV it is attached to. Other then knowing that when RNs take your vitals, they look at your chest to take your normal breathing number, the class was not directly related to the episode.
12:00am- I spent an hour on one small piece of homework. Manly because while I was working on it I was getting my daily dose of the internet. I spent less then fifteen minutes on the actual piece of paper, but that was all it needed to get filled out; got to love the busy work, I thought I had gotten to the point where busy work was an option for those that gained from doing it. Truthful busy work places a sour taste in my mouth about actually learning the information. In a class that 80% of the information is in the lecture, I can ace without doing anything. In a class where 30% of the information is in the chapters and 70% is in the lecture, only 60% of the information sinks in; I relate this to the fact that when I see and hear the same information it is more likely to get remembered, and all of it is tested on.
1:00- Finished one painting, and start and finished another. When I was finished the second one I laid down on the floor and closed my eyes. I could feel my eyes moving, but if I put my hand one my eye lid they would not be moving. While I am painting I just move the brush and my eyes will try to line things up and match them to places around the painting, I was unaware my eyes could move that fast. I just got used to it while I was painting and lost track of it; it was like when I watch a movie everything but the TV fades away.
2:00- After I took time to let my eyes relax I read, my mind wandered. I figured that it might after a long day of thinking of topics that it normally would just except as facts and move on. Alan had a good point and somehow I retained all the information in the chapter without really paying attention to it. He discussed the topic of Celebrity, one of the biggest reasons I do not want to be a famous author. To be an author is my goal, to make it what I live on is a goal; to have people mailing me because they want me to give them the meaning of life, or they want to talk to me as though I was better then someone else, not my cup of tea.
The lessons learned from the battle of the evening.
1) Five hour lecture plus lab, is not how I learn in the least.
2) I have an amazing ability to focus on something
3) A pseudonym will suit me just fine in my writing career
8:30pm- I took the dog for a walk, the evening was surprisingly warmer then half the evenings last month. My mind was still racing from class. In an average class we go over about two hundred terms that you have to remember, by the end of it you remember more of the jokes to lighten the mood then the actual information.
9:00- I put in one of my old classics, Constantine. Sure the movie was released in 2005 five, but it was in the days when I devoured movies. The movie is based of a comic series,(skip the rest of the paragraph if you plan to watch it.) the one thing that I liked about it most, is that almost every line is a foreshadow to what will happen later on in the movie. I have seen it enough times so that I know when my favorite lines and scenes are coming up, but when I watched it last night I was looking for what lines drew a picture of something else later on. I found humor in some of the lines because it either told what would happen, or it told the opposite of what would happen. People have told me that it is a boring movie, I can see why they would say that. As the movie progresses it requires to to recall a lot of things that happened to be able to piece the story together, some of the details in the beginning explain the actions in the end; most of these defining details are one line of dialog.
11:00- The best thing about having the five hour A and P class, having a better understanding of one line in the latest episode of House. The show airs while the last hour of class is taking place, so I relay on the Digital Cable Box to tape it for me and I have to wait for my mother to stop using the TV it is attached to. Other then knowing that when RNs take your vitals, they look at your chest to take your normal breathing number, the class was not directly related to the episode.
12:00am- I spent an hour on one small piece of homework. Manly because while I was working on it I was getting my daily dose of the internet. I spent less then fifteen minutes on the actual piece of paper, but that was all it needed to get filled out; got to love the busy work, I thought I had gotten to the point where busy work was an option for those that gained from doing it. Truthful busy work places a sour taste in my mouth about actually learning the information. In a class that 80% of the information is in the lecture, I can ace without doing anything. In a class where 30% of the information is in the chapters and 70% is in the lecture, only 60% of the information sinks in; I relate this to the fact that when I see and hear the same information it is more likely to get remembered, and all of it is tested on.
1:00- Finished one painting, and start and finished another. When I was finished the second one I laid down on the floor and closed my eyes. I could feel my eyes moving, but if I put my hand one my eye lid they would not be moving. While I am painting I just move the brush and my eyes will try to line things up and match them to places around the painting, I was unaware my eyes could move that fast. I just got used to it while I was painting and lost track of it; it was like when I watch a movie everything but the TV fades away.
2:00- After I took time to let my eyes relax I read, my mind wandered. I figured that it might after a long day of thinking of topics that it normally would just except as facts and move on. Alan had a good point and somehow I retained all the information in the chapter without really paying attention to it. He discussed the topic of Celebrity, one of the biggest reasons I do not want to be a famous author. To be an author is my goal, to make it what I live on is a goal; to have people mailing me because they want me to give them the meaning of life, or they want to talk to me as though I was better then someone else, not my cup of tea.
The lessons learned from the battle of the evening.
1) Five hour lecture plus lab, is not how I learn in the least.
2) I have an amazing ability to focus on something
3) A pseudonym will suit me just fine in my writing career
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
(W16.1) BEH Entry #1: Whim of the Procrastinator
Yesterday was one of the rare full days off; no school and no work. So I am going to skip through the intriguing laundry with my mother story.
7:00pm- My niece had decided that she did not want to go out and eat, so I called up my cousin and asked if I could come over. I had two underlining goals in mind for this evening. First was to get a look at the painting of mine, that I had given my cousin after he had stated liking several times. The second goal was to see him and his girlfriend together. All of my Christmas painting are themed, theirs is a joint painting. I could not easily recall their actions together and wanted a fresh look at it. During my visit, my cousin and I confirmed that we were in fact getting really tried of Halo 3, it has just lost its flavor. I also got to see the first three episodes of 'How I met your mother.' It was way better then I thought it would be. So much so that, I do not plan to watch it over there again. I have a problem paying attention to people while a show is drawing me in. Watching something that I enjoy and have never seen is not a good way to spend time with people. On my walk home I tried to think of how I wanted to spend my evening....
10:00- One hour late for our evening walk, the dog followed me around and nearly dropped at the knee when I grabbed his leash. Other then trying to think of the best way to paint the painting, my mind was set on whether or not I should do the next activity. It was not on the list but was something that I wanted to do.
10:20- I donned a pair of shorts, my orange fleece jacket and an old pair of sneakers. I stood outside; for a few minutes I just tried to focus on controlling my breathing and then, I ran. For the first time since the cross country season ended in 2005. I had made a few attempts but I allowed chest pain to stop me almost immediately each time. This time I was pretty certain that it was all in my head. I ran and I told my self that I was going to run a three mile course, one of the runs I used to do for practice. It hurt, but in all the ways that I knew it would; I ran through it. For the first time in three years I felt I was in control of everything to come.
11:00- The allure of the internet overcame me, I needed to just calm down before I started to paint. There are a few friends that I like to share bits of my day with. One, an old cross country buddy, was on; whenever I talk to him it is like talking to an younger version of myself. I try to give him all the pearls of wisdom that I have, knowing full well that he will hit the same walls that I did. I know that most life lessons are best learned through the trail and error process, but I have found that failure hurts and I wish it on no one.
12:00am- I put Juno in my laptop and started painting. Painting is one of the things that I do without really understanding the process. It is much like my ability to figure people out, it is a tool that helps me write characters; I know how to read what I feel, so I can paint it. While I was painting a piece a few weeks ago I realized that if I focus on one person and think of all the moments with them, I can make a piece that stands out. I just think about the person and start grabbing paint, the emotions come and go. Each one only registering long enough to but the paint on the canvas. I finished two that had already been started, started and finished one, and started another. Completely taxing my creativity.
1:30- I am not really sure how I get sucked into the internet so easily, for the most part I am just waiting for something to happen. I have my facebook, this blog, the Eng 162 blog, dictionary.com, wikipedia, and my yahoo mail load up instantly. From there I just check to see what has changed and see if there is anyone on my instant messenger list.
2:15- I read from Alan Alda's 'What I Overheard While I Was Talking to Myself.' A book about speeches that he has given over the years and what they meant to him later. The book is more recent then any that I have read in a while. I read a chapter on a speech that he gave to scientists, the overall theme was to learn to take yourself with a grain of salt. He discussed how he had purposely failed something his father wanted him to do, because he thought it would lead him away from where he wanted to be. I think I understand what he is saying, but I do not think I am anywhere near being able to accomplish it. Though, I may have succeeded earlier in the evening though, when I pursued running. A burning desire, that I had told myself was impossible.
3:05-I closed my eyes and laid there until I drifted to sleep.
I think that I have to start to cast a label on myself aside. Writing all of this I have come to the conclusion that I am a very diverse person, that is far from the boring and plain person I tell myself that I am. It is like my Intro to Sociology teacher used to say, "You can't unlearn something, but you can RE-learn something."
-NK
7:00pm- My niece had decided that she did not want to go out and eat, so I called up my cousin and asked if I could come over. I had two underlining goals in mind for this evening. First was to get a look at the painting of mine, that I had given my cousin after he had stated liking several times. The second goal was to see him and his girlfriend together. All of my Christmas painting are themed, theirs is a joint painting. I could not easily recall their actions together and wanted a fresh look at it. During my visit, my cousin and I confirmed that we were in fact getting really tried of Halo 3, it has just lost its flavor. I also got to see the first three episodes of 'How I met your mother.' It was way better then I thought it would be. So much so that, I do not plan to watch it over there again. I have a problem paying attention to people while a show is drawing me in. Watching something that I enjoy and have never seen is not a good way to spend time with people. On my walk home I tried to think of how I wanted to spend my evening....
10:00- One hour late for our evening walk, the dog followed me around and nearly dropped at the knee when I grabbed his leash. Other then trying to think of the best way to paint the painting, my mind was set on whether or not I should do the next activity. It was not on the list but was something that I wanted to do.
10:20- I donned a pair of shorts, my orange fleece jacket and an old pair of sneakers. I stood outside; for a few minutes I just tried to focus on controlling my breathing and then, I ran. For the first time since the cross country season ended in 2005. I had made a few attempts but I allowed chest pain to stop me almost immediately each time. This time I was pretty certain that it was all in my head. I ran and I told my self that I was going to run a three mile course, one of the runs I used to do for practice. It hurt, but in all the ways that I knew it would; I ran through it. For the first time in three years I felt I was in control of everything to come.
11:00- The allure of the internet overcame me, I needed to just calm down before I started to paint. There are a few friends that I like to share bits of my day with. One, an old cross country buddy, was on; whenever I talk to him it is like talking to an younger version of myself. I try to give him all the pearls of wisdom that I have, knowing full well that he will hit the same walls that I did. I know that most life lessons are best learned through the trail and error process, but I have found that failure hurts and I wish it on no one.
12:00am- I put Juno in my laptop and started painting. Painting is one of the things that I do without really understanding the process. It is much like my ability to figure people out, it is a tool that helps me write characters; I know how to read what I feel, so I can paint it. While I was painting a piece a few weeks ago I realized that if I focus on one person and think of all the moments with them, I can make a piece that stands out. I just think about the person and start grabbing paint, the emotions come and go. Each one only registering long enough to but the paint on the canvas. I finished two that had already been started, started and finished one, and started another. Completely taxing my creativity.
1:30- I am not really sure how I get sucked into the internet so easily, for the most part I am just waiting for something to happen. I have my facebook, this blog, the Eng 162 blog, dictionary.com, wikipedia, and my yahoo mail load up instantly. From there I just check to see what has changed and see if there is anyone on my instant messenger list.
2:15- I read from Alan Alda's 'What I Overheard While I Was Talking to Myself.' A book about speeches that he has given over the years and what they meant to him later. The book is more recent then any that I have read in a while. I read a chapter on a speech that he gave to scientists, the overall theme was to learn to take yourself with a grain of salt. He discussed how he had purposely failed something his father wanted him to do, because he thought it would lead him away from where he wanted to be. I think I understand what he is saying, but I do not think I am anywhere near being able to accomplish it. Though, I may have succeeded earlier in the evening though, when I pursued running. A burning desire, that I had told myself was impossible.
3:05-I closed my eyes and laid there until I drifted to sleep.
I think that I have to start to cast a label on myself aside. Writing all of this I have come to the conclusion that I am a very diverse person, that is far from the boring and plain person I tell myself that I am. It is like my Intro to Sociology teacher used to say, "You can't unlearn something, but you can RE-learn something."
-NK
Monday, December 1, 2008
(W14) My Views on Religion: The in depth look.
It is a struggle. When I was thirteen years old I lost a three year old nephew to cancer, my father had a heart attack, one of my sisters was diagnosed with cancer, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. When I was Fourteen, just as everything started to level out, my sister died of a blood clot.
I started to go to mass every week, and then my mother hip started to bother her, so we stopped going. Then the pastor, who I had started to learn about God from, was removed from the church for an incident that happened when he was in his early twenties. I have not entered that building in seven years, it no longer houses keys to the afterlife for me.
My nephew who was three, was a wonderful little boy. Without us telling him, he knew that he was to smile when a camera was out. There are mounds of pictures that follow him through his short life, more then half of which he was fighting death at every turn. He had touched the lives of everyone around him, bringing hope to the families of other ill children. The church was full of people, many of who I had never met or heard story of. All of them with a memory of a little boy that smiled and laughed and played whenever he got the chance.
My sister was twenty nine years old. She was a devote Catholic, she taught Sunday school for many years. She got her degree in education and was a school teacher for one year. To me she was like a mother. Our parents had gotten divorced when I was five, my mother had gotten a full time job and had gone back to college. My sister knew when I was having a bad day, my sister would get me to talk about stuff, my sister fought hard to teach me to read. Once again the church filled with people, once again there were many that I had never heard about and many that there was no story for. The one that I remember most, was a boy that she had taught that one year as a teacher. She had fought to teach him how to love learning, he knew how hard she had fought for him and he cried so hard that he buckled over and and his parents had to pick him off the ground.
Over the last seven years I have questioned over and over why they had died and I had survived, for the most part I felt guilty to still be alive. After I stopped going to church I lost faith in a higher power. How could there be a God? If there was a God things like this would not happen. If there was a God I would not feel this much pain inside of me.
The sister that lost her son, paved over her past. She has become a born again Christian. Her love for her church got me to sit down with her pastor. I asked him what his church was about. He told me that he taught that the bible housed the answers for everyone. He said "How could the bible not be the word of God, all of the stories told to different people come together so to give one message." He told me that Catholicism was not right and that every Catholic was just following a pattern that they were told they had to follow. Then he told me that I could not be saved by God unless I said the sinners prayer and then devoted the rest of my life to Jesus Christ. I asked 'What if I devoted myself to Christ but did not say the prayer?' And he replied "You will not be saved."
There were many things that I did not agree with in his statements. The first is that I have studied the bible from a stand point where it is the greatest wisdom story of all times. My Honors 101: Wisdom Stories From Antiquity. In the class I learned full well that the bible pieced together. We read in class two accounts that were not in the bible. The book of Mary Magdalene and the Book of Thomas. Both had all the same accounts that the ones that had made it into the bible did, but they placed Christ as a man. The to book described that they had witnessed accounts of emotions. We openly discussed the criteria that works needed to make it into the bible and that there was a comity that decided what books would make it into the bible. So when he said that the bible fit so well together because it was the Word of God, I could only think that it was the Word of God chosen by a group of Men, claiming they had the right to speak for God.
Secondly I did not believe that there was anything wrong with the current Catholic beliefs. Sure in the early history of Catholicism there was a group of corrupt men that sold rights of passage to Heaven. But that came to an end centuries ago. I can see that saying on prayer over and over could lead to nothing, but that is up to the person that prays the payers. The prayers are meant to make you think about God and reflect who you are in the eyes of God. The last rights is a ceremony for those that believe that they have made a mistake in their life; and for those that mean it, I see no reason they would not be granted into Heaven.
The third thing that I did not agree on was, I must say one prayer and follow one path; and that was the only way to be saved by God. This is where hatred and wars are made, not the road to salvation. If I was to believe that there was only one way to God, then I would have to think long and hard to make sure that I was following the correct path. Judaism, Christianity and the Muslim Religion all have one God, and there path is the only way to God. Christianity has a vast amount of sects, so many that if I were to stand on the roof of my house and count the crosses in the sky, I would be in the double digits before I started to strain my eyes. How could anyone of them claim that everyone else was going to die and not go to Heaven? What gave them the right to claim they were the only way to God?
Just last week I was talking to a man that I had prayed for. My niece was in pieces, she had a crush on this man and he had hit an eighteen wheeler that was hauling half of a double wide trailer, when his car swerved into the other lane. I prayed for him, because I knew that he had a little girl, I knew that he had been working too many hours to be able to sleep any decent amount, and I knew that my niece would be heart broken if he had died. Last week I talked with him and asked him what his survival rate was when the emergency crew had gotten there. "0%, they had called me dead. They life flighted me, but they were sure I was going to die. They could not call it until they had landed, but they knew for sure that I was going to die."
There was my proof of God, in black and white. The man that had 0% to live was standing in front of me, because I prayed for him. So I believe there is a God, I believed it before I prayed and I believed it whole heartedly when I prayed that day, and I would have believed it if he had said he was rated at 56% survival rate.
I am a Human, therefor I pass no right to claim that I have the answer to the path to God, but I know which one I plan to follow. I believe in God and the spirit of Jesus, but I do not believe in any written documentation about speaking to God or seeing Jesus. I do not believe that any man is condemned by the the religion he or she was raised in. I think that all go before God and are Judged. Weather or not one of the terrorist that flew a plane into the Twin towers on September 11th is going to go to Heaven or to Hell, is Gods choice alone. Personally based on what I know of the Muslim Jehudist Sect, each one of those men may stand a chance at going to Heaven, not because those actions were right; but because those were the only action that those men were taught. From the moment they are born they are told that they must kill themselves and countless others to make it to Heaven. If they had been offered a different choice and chose to kill any way then I would think differently about there chance at making it to Heaven.
I follow my path to God, you follow the one that you think is right, and we all will stand before God to be Judged.
-NK
I started to go to mass every week, and then my mother hip started to bother her, so we stopped going. Then the pastor, who I had started to learn about God from, was removed from the church for an incident that happened when he was in his early twenties. I have not entered that building in seven years, it no longer houses keys to the afterlife for me.
My nephew who was three, was a wonderful little boy. Without us telling him, he knew that he was to smile when a camera was out. There are mounds of pictures that follow him through his short life, more then half of which he was fighting death at every turn. He had touched the lives of everyone around him, bringing hope to the families of other ill children. The church was full of people, many of who I had never met or heard story of. All of them with a memory of a little boy that smiled and laughed and played whenever he got the chance.
My sister was twenty nine years old. She was a devote Catholic, she taught Sunday school for many years. She got her degree in education and was a school teacher for one year. To me she was like a mother. Our parents had gotten divorced when I was five, my mother had gotten a full time job and had gone back to college. My sister knew when I was having a bad day, my sister would get me to talk about stuff, my sister fought hard to teach me to read. Once again the church filled with people, once again there were many that I had never heard about and many that there was no story for. The one that I remember most, was a boy that she had taught that one year as a teacher. She had fought to teach him how to love learning, he knew how hard she had fought for him and he cried so hard that he buckled over and and his parents had to pick him off the ground.
Over the last seven years I have questioned over and over why they had died and I had survived, for the most part I felt guilty to still be alive. After I stopped going to church I lost faith in a higher power. How could there be a God? If there was a God things like this would not happen. If there was a God I would not feel this much pain inside of me.
The sister that lost her son, paved over her past. She has become a born again Christian. Her love for her church got me to sit down with her pastor. I asked him what his church was about. He told me that he taught that the bible housed the answers for everyone. He said "How could the bible not be the word of God, all of the stories told to different people come together so to give one message." He told me that Catholicism was not right and that every Catholic was just following a pattern that they were told they had to follow. Then he told me that I could not be saved by God unless I said the sinners prayer and then devoted the rest of my life to Jesus Christ. I asked 'What if I devoted myself to Christ but did not say the prayer?' And he replied "You will not be saved."
There were many things that I did not agree with in his statements. The first is that I have studied the bible from a stand point where it is the greatest wisdom story of all times. My Honors 101: Wisdom Stories From Antiquity. In the class I learned full well that the bible pieced together. We read in class two accounts that were not in the bible. The book of Mary Magdalene and the Book of Thomas. Both had all the same accounts that the ones that had made it into the bible did, but they placed Christ as a man. The to book described that they had witnessed accounts of emotions. We openly discussed the criteria that works needed to make it into the bible and that there was a comity that decided what books would make it into the bible. So when he said that the bible fit so well together because it was the Word of God, I could only think that it was the Word of God chosen by a group of Men, claiming they had the right to speak for God.
Secondly I did not believe that there was anything wrong with the current Catholic beliefs. Sure in the early history of Catholicism there was a group of corrupt men that sold rights of passage to Heaven. But that came to an end centuries ago. I can see that saying on prayer over and over could lead to nothing, but that is up to the person that prays the payers. The prayers are meant to make you think about God and reflect who you are in the eyes of God. The last rights is a ceremony for those that believe that they have made a mistake in their life; and for those that mean it, I see no reason they would not be granted into Heaven.
The third thing that I did not agree on was, I must say one prayer and follow one path; and that was the only way to be saved by God. This is where hatred and wars are made, not the road to salvation. If I was to believe that there was only one way to God, then I would have to think long and hard to make sure that I was following the correct path. Judaism, Christianity and the Muslim Religion all have one God, and there path is the only way to God. Christianity has a vast amount of sects, so many that if I were to stand on the roof of my house and count the crosses in the sky, I would be in the double digits before I started to strain my eyes. How could anyone of them claim that everyone else was going to die and not go to Heaven? What gave them the right to claim they were the only way to God?
Just last week I was talking to a man that I had prayed for. My niece was in pieces, she had a crush on this man and he had hit an eighteen wheeler that was hauling half of a double wide trailer, when his car swerved into the other lane. I prayed for him, because I knew that he had a little girl, I knew that he had been working too many hours to be able to sleep any decent amount, and I knew that my niece would be heart broken if he had died. Last week I talked with him and asked him what his survival rate was when the emergency crew had gotten there. "0%, they had called me dead. They life flighted me, but they were sure I was going to die. They could not call it until they had landed, but they knew for sure that I was going to die."
There was my proof of God, in black and white. The man that had 0% to live was standing in front of me, because I prayed for him. So I believe there is a God, I believed it before I prayed and I believed it whole heartedly when I prayed that day, and I would have believed it if he had said he was rated at 56% survival rate.
I am a Human, therefor I pass no right to claim that I have the answer to the path to God, but I know which one I plan to follow. I believe in God and the spirit of Jesus, but I do not believe in any written documentation about speaking to God or seeing Jesus. I do not believe that any man is condemned by the the religion he or she was raised in. I think that all go before God and are Judged. Weather or not one of the terrorist that flew a plane into the Twin towers on September 11th is going to go to Heaven or to Hell, is Gods choice alone. Personally based on what I know of the Muslim Jehudist Sect, each one of those men may stand a chance at going to Heaven, not because those actions were right; but because those were the only action that those men were taught. From the moment they are born they are told that they must kill themselves and countless others to make it to Heaven. If they had been offered a different choice and chose to kill any way then I would think differently about there chance at making it to Heaven.
I follow my path to God, you follow the one that you think is right, and we all will stand before God to be Judged.
-NK
(W16.1) Battle of the Evening Hours (BEH) Entry #0
The end of the fall semester. Normally I would only worry about making sure all of my course work was done, but this year I have a few other things to fill up my evening hours. Maybe I will be forced to only do homework. Though I am pretty sure that I will be temped to stray until the last minute, and pump out work that is sup-par.
There is a list of activities that are battling for the few hours of evening between school and sleep, or work and sleep.
1.) Finish all of the work necessary for my four classes.
2.) Paint a painting for everyone on my X-mas list. I am going on a week long vacation after the semester ends. And all the days between the end of my vacation and Christmas itself are days that I will have to work, the dreaded black out days.
3.) Write for myself, I am trying to get myself going on all the projects that I have thought up over the last two years.
4.) Read to relax. This normally fits in every night, but varies from 20 minutes to two hours.
5.) Spend time with friends and family. This is a fluctuating thing that changes based on availability and necessity.
6.) Wasting time on the internet or watching television. The Great American Struggle, spend hours instantly gratifying the mind with noise and moving pictures, or progress as a person.
This Journal will follow me through the events that won the battle of the evening hours.
-NK
There is a list of activities that are battling for the few hours of evening between school and sleep, or work and sleep.
1.) Finish all of the work necessary for my four classes.
2.) Paint a painting for everyone on my X-mas list. I am going on a week long vacation after the semester ends. And all the days between the end of my vacation and Christmas itself are days that I will have to work, the dreaded black out days.
3.) Write for myself, I am trying to get myself going on all the projects that I have thought up over the last two years.
4.) Read to relax. This normally fits in every night, but varies from 20 minutes to two hours.
5.) Spend time with friends and family. This is a fluctuating thing that changes based on availability and necessity.
6.) Wasting time on the internet or watching television. The Great American Struggle, spend hours instantly gratifying the mind with noise and moving pictures, or progress as a person.
This Journal will follow me through the events that won the battle of the evening hours.
-NK
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