Wednesday, January 28, 2009


I still find a sense of joy when school is canceled do to snow. And why not, it is a day that was meant to be spent in a small room with a bunch of people, but frozen bits of Hydrogen Dioxide rain from the sky and the day is given back.

As like always I proclaimed to get my work done early, get a head start; just as soon as I calibrate the moment by doing nothing. To just lay back and relax knowing that you where granted this small amount of freedom purely because of the weather.

Then the time slip slowly on and you start to realize that with this freedom you are responsible for removing the snow... I am not at that point yet, I am still very much enjoying the extra time granted by snow.


Friday, January 16, 2009

I might be a Mainer if....

You wake up at three o'clock in the morning to take a hairdryer to the water pipes in the basement.

Not only did I take the time to slowly heat the water in the pipes, I took sentry duty on the kitchen sink. From three twenty to five ten I sat at the kitchen table and read I chapter from Howard Zinn's 'A People's History of the United States of America.'

With a head phone bud in one ear running through the 16 songs I have programmed on it, and the four songs that came on it (An annoying detail that I missed as I skimmed the user guide.) The other ear was finely tuned to the constant thin stream of water that was pouring from the sink behind me.

Along with the distractions my mind was a ball of putty because it only had three hours of sleep, and was much accustomed to being asleep at this very time of day. Needless to say the reading of the pages went slowly and from time to time I had to fight of I dream that played in my mind while my eyes where wide open.

At nine o'clock the night before I was sure that this would happen. I was made aware of the fact that the plastic around the house had fallen slightly. I am not sure what divine action took place to make sure that the six feet of the plastic, to fall under snow, had to be the the exact area that needs the most protection when it comes to making sure that the pipes will not freeze. Not only is it that corner that the water comes in, there is a crack in the foundation that carries wind strait to the pipes and a window next to the pipe as it runs across the wall.

Even though I find this the worst task of my winter duties (happening at least once a year.), it is a story that will propel me to make sure my children will never have to do it, and a story that I will tell them when they complain about shoveling the walkway in the middle of the day under a warming sun. A story that I will tell my grand children as I pay them to do the very same job that had been a chore for my children.

I am the Official Pipe Defroster,


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Pedal of Freedom, the Legacy Resurfaces.

I was the only person sitting in the front row of the class. The teacher had decided to have me start off the rounds of introducing yourself to everyone. As I explaining that my cousin was behind me and my niece was in the far corner of the room, I saw a face that I recognized; where could I have recognized this face from?

As the person by person explained who they were and why they were here, I kept looking over at the person, who is she? and then it came time for here to explain who she was. Her name did not ring any bells, which was odd because it was a unique name for someone from Maine. But then she said 'I work at China ___, I have worked there for four and a half years now.'

I was instantly through into memories from years ago.

The day before Mother's Day 2006 I took my bicycle and I rode it for 22 miles to the tourist attraction and I bought my mother two truffles from the best chocolate shop I have ever been to. I had made the trip to signify the end of my first relationship, but the story told to most is that I rode down to get my mother the perfect Mother's Day gift.

The Wednesday of the following week I talked my good friend, Thayne, into riding the trip with me. And that weekend we made the journey. My friend was making money at his first job and he had nothing that it needed to go for, so he would always buy tons of stuff and take me out for food.

The 22 mile bike ride called for a large amount of food, so we started to search for the best place to eat. After walking the whole of down town and finding nowhere that really struck us as the perfect place we went up on final street. Not far from where we stationed our bikes was a small Chinese restaurant. We sat down and eat, and my friend fell into a deep lust over the beautiful blond waitress. At the end of the dinner he wrote his number on a napkin and we left.

That next Wednesday we talked another friend into making the journey with us. It was the most exhilaratingly thing that we had done since the end of our Cross Country season. We talked up the journey that we had it all planned before we got on our bikes. Thayne had found out that a rode near his place of work cut out most of the worst hills on the way to the town.

It was a wonderful rode, with trees and fields of grass with horses. There was a stone house that looked like it was straight out of a fantasy book. We rode and rode, after we got to the town we decided to find a mountain to climb.

When we got back to the town it was time to eat. We entered the Chinese restaurant, there was a different waitress this time, this time I lusted over the waitress. What heaven had we found? This time I discussed the adventure that we had gone on, she told me that she no longer rode he bike around, it was too dangerous. She said that she had almost been hit on a one way street by a tourist going the wrong way. After the meal, I left my number on a napkin. I could not let Thayne show me up, and I was on the greatest adventure I had yet been on.

After the class, I made my way to her and said. 'I knew I recognized you, you waited on me once.'
she replayed 'yeah you looked familiar, I saw you walking in from the parking lot.'
'Huh, well three years ago my friend and I rode our bikes down to ___ and we eat at your restaurant.'
'Oh, that was you. I do remember you.'
'Yeah, you were the waitress that doesn't bike ride because of getting hit on a one way street.'
'Almost getting hit, yeah that was on State Street. You have a good memory.'

It was wonderful to see someone that only knew my from that one small adventure so many years ago. I could almost feel the burning pain in my legs, I could almost taste the Chinese food, and I could here her faint laughs echoing from the memories of three years ago.


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Poison of Passion

I know that I am 21 years old and I have not even begun to live my life, but there is one thing that I am sure of. People have shut there super egos off, and they have becomes slaves of their Ids. And this is where I have fallen into not being able to communicate with the people of my current peer level.

Seven years ago I allowed my Id to have everything it wanted. I allowed myself to turn off the pain of life. The ultimate of pleasure seeking, deny that there is anything to feel, both pleasure and pain, and you can deny that life is worth living and therefor all your needs are instantly met, for they no longer exist. Of course eventually this train wreck of a life style gets to you because when you go out into public you look into the eyes of people that are still untainted by the sheer terror that is the mortality of man.

It was about a year ago that I decided to start feeling again, for anyone that has found them in a cocoon that they want to shed, I want you to know that every step is going to hurt like hell but if you keep walking it will all be worth it.

Now to the point of this post, passion is only poisonous when you allow yourself to forget yourself in order to pursue it. Passion is something that is meant to be found between two people that connect on a level that does not really have words or even actions, just something brings it together. When you place yourself to the sidelines in search of passion, you doom yourself to fall for words and actions that resemble what passion has been illustrated for you.

I have once again seen and heard the livelihood of pseudo-passion, where do people get the thought that sexual relations actually signify that a relationship is functioning. I know first hand that relationship continue when there is nothing but sex left, and with nothing to base sex on, the sex fades and one person is faced with accepting something that had been denied only to satisfy physical needs.

I came to this post to find something out for myself, and I have found something that I would have never actually discussed with myself. Yesterday the psych teacher said that there were three major ways of dealing with things; Denial, Rationalization, and Minimalizing. I rationalize by forming something that I like to think helps another person through there hardships. Small bits and pieces are for me to coup with things that I can not bring myself to admit I need to rationalize to be able to accept.

My rationalization for myself buried into the words of this post is simply this. I search for something that can not be searched for. Love is something that comes when you are completely true to yourself and that is what beats all odds.

Find yourself for what you search for,


Monday, January 12, 2009

First Day of Classes Fall '09

Thus far I have found that I may have a solid time for a writing group that I want to start with two of my friends, I have made two people upset, and they walked out of the building and I have found that I know half the class, either because of other classes or because I live in a small community.

Three of us, two friends and myself, are forming a Writers' Collective. One of the friends is my cousin and the other is a mutual long time friend of both of us. Really we are all comfortable enough to show our works to one another and accept the criticism given. I still think that the fine details will take some working. I am thrilled, for the most part because I have a hard time working for myself, but if my pride is at stake because I said I would do something for someone else, nothing can hold me back. I also think that this will be a jump start to our writing careers and a strengthening of our already strong friendships.

As for the two people that got upset and left the building, the class that I have at six tonight was originally scheduled for 4 to 645. A conflict in the teacher schedule had the class pushed back to 6 to 845. I learned back in my senior year of high school, that I never wanted to go to work and a class in the same day. And for the most part it has been one of the best decisions as far as my education goes. But when I notified two others that the class had been pushed back, one left and may come back; she was upset that the class would run so late. Another got mad and left because of work later tonight. I believe the flavor was "Well screw that, I have to work."

There are some benefits and some down falls to having people that I know in a class.
The benefits are rides after class and study partners when the information gets think. Downfalls, their are so many people that I know that are going to be in this class, that the personae that I have build will meet and clash, in their perception of me anyway. I am not complete sure of why or how I do it but, when in situations with certain people, I make a persona to fit the occasion. The actual realization of this just happened in the form of an epiphany while trying to best convey what the downfalls of having many people, that know me otherwise, in the same class. Being that this class is Introduction to Psychology, I may just find out what it is that I am doing with this whole personification thing.

Prior to starting this post I sat down with a fellow student and spread Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog once again. I enjoy watching it, and now that I have seen it a few times I like to gauge what certain people think is funny. I have yet to find a person that thought it was horrible, so it may be worth a look. Written and Produced By Joss Whendon and starring Neil Patrick Harris. The protagonist is an up-and-coming super villain, Dr. Horrible, and the antagonist is Captain Hammer: Corporate Tool, played by Nathan Fillion (The actor that played Malcolm Reynolds in Joss Whendon's Firefly series.) Felicia Day creates the classic love triangle...

Well it is off to the races (Time for class)


Monday, December 29, 2008

The Fight to Write.

The semester ended, I pulled two A's, a B and a C with a C- in the lab. Perfectly maintaining my 3.14 GPA. But none of that really got me any closer to writing anything, in most cases it actually detoured my efforts.

I went on a weeks vacation, I got my tattoo, I got my driver's permit, and I managed to make an almost liquid version of pumpkin fudge. The time off gave me time to think more on my idea for the Fantasy based Autobiography, but I was too far from my keys and the drafting I had already done.

Got all of my paintings for xmas done, I had four left to do and I managed to paint five of them. Between painting and a head cold I managed to get no writing done.

This time of year work is increasingly boring, this year actually seems to be worse. There are four people in the department that have not been there as long as I have, and I still think my job is at risk. It may just be paranoia, but I have not seen the amount of business that I am used to.

Between drinking and spending time with friends and family my free time has flushed right on by. Currently I should be moving about and trying to find some breakfast item, but it has been so long since I have gotten anything done I think my tools are getting rusty.

Women have had the continued ability to give me no chance whatsoever. What state is the world in when people complain about being single but do not go on dates? Honestly, I understand that finding someone that is compatible is a hard task and it takes some trying, but no one is trying back. I have been on one date in my life, I learned a lot about my likes, my dislikes, my strengths, my weaknesses. Finding that I was not compatible on a date was much more helpful then someone telling me that they just got over a long relationship and they do not want anything serious, so they won't go on a date.

As far as I can piece things together, no one really knows how to come across someone that it compatible, in most cases it is just something that eventually clicks. I am just enjoy having the company of a women, I literally like talking about the view of the world with them, their hopes and dreams. I find women much easier to talk to, but they all think that when I ask them to go on a date that I just want to take them home. In all honesty I have had a women I knew very little about and it was the most damaging thing that I ever did to myself. I was reading Alan Alda's first book 'Never Have Your Dog Stuffed' and the line "the world is a place of naked women, drinking, smoking and laughing into the early morning." (para, the book is at my father's) That was about the late forties early fifties, right when people where entering an age of being that they did not completely understand. America, if not the world, continued to progress in this manner; the important things are left not talked about and people deny anything that they would have to put effort into understanding. People continued to drink and smoke, and the drinking and smoking was so great they found other recreational drugs to do, people get to a state were they make choices that would not normally make and then do something that they are ashamed about, and instead of progressing and moving on, they turn to drugs and alcohol even more, or they stay with that abusive person, or they shut themselves off from the world, or they play video games and movies until there brain can only function if all the work has been done for them.

I was standing in my kitchen listening to my nephews watch old episodes of Spider-Man, I used to watch the show when I was a kid but I never really analyzed what was going on with the scripting and progression of the show. Every line either added an unnecessary amount of drama to the story or it told you what was going on. No detail was spared to a viewer and the plot moved so fast that there was no real way for any of it to sink into a person, it just hit hard and then faded away to the next show. I found myself knowing exactly why all the children in my generation were diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, we all grew up in front of the television. How could a class, which moves at the pace of the average learner, keep up with that of a television. The more kids watched TV the more the class had to slow down because no one understood what was going on.

TV is an abused commodity, the television that is housed in my living room is never off, it is on during the day to entertain the dog and give my mother the sense of security that a stranger would not break in if the TV is on, and it is on at night because my mom sleeps 'better' with it on. Sense I was given the option, my TV is nowhere near my bed. Bedrooms are for thinking, reading, lovemaking, and sleeping, not watching TV.

I think the largest thing that has keep me from writing is all the free time that I have, my schedule is so fluid that I can't find the time to sit down and do some real writing. This is just a necessary reach out to the writer inside of myself, a plea to have him take hold and force me to write no matter what the deterrents.

Unfortunately this forty minute writing block has no time to flourish any further.


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.

I have alway enjoyed Green Day's Good Riddance. Even since it played as I walked into the auditorium for my eight grade graduation, it has held a special place in my heart. When it comes on, I feel like singing it, and most of the time I do.

Today is much like all the other times that I have really been able to understand the song. Today is that last day that this blog is mandatory, this means that it will slowly fade as something else comes along. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for years, but one day in the future this blog will become something that I have to give up in order to keep moving as a person. With that noted I wanted to discuss how it has affected me as a person.

1) My writing confidence has improved, I have one piece that I did here that will be published in the Eyrie. In the book 'On Becoming a Novelist' by John Gardner, Publishers like to see that you have been published. So I will write and write and when I am done, I will submit and submit. Few things here few things there. And when it comes time to publish the books that I worked hard on, and want to have in circulation, I will be an known entity.
2) My writing ability has improved, I know where some of my strengths and weaknesses are as a writer. Knowing when and where to work hard, helps in effective productivity.
3) I have settled a few of my differences. Work is not as aggravating, school not a tiring, and time with friends is full of laughs. Some do to writing about them, some do to thinking about them to write them, some because I had the time to think about them because I had less on my plate.

That's about all I can directly relate to the class.

I plan on working on a few things, and if I have the time I will post small tidbits here as the months go on.

Another turning point, A fork stuck in the road.