The punch clock beeps, letting me know that my break if officially over. I walk myself down the hallway to the deli. I tuck my hair under neath my hat and try to stop the apron strap from sitting on top of my collar. Picking up and lowering my foot I open the swinging door into the back of the department. I wash my hands with warm water, lather soap to my mid forearm, I take a peek at the counter to see the customers looking back at me, hot water washes away the soap and I dry my hands with paper towel. I can feel the impatient eyes on me as I reach for my gloves. The words flow out without thought.
'May I help who was next?' There is a pause and no one answers, 'Anyone not being waited on?'
a women speaks up after looking around. 'I guess that's me.'
'Is there anything I can get for you?'
'Yes, I would like some turkey.'
'Which would you like? We have fourteen types.'
'fourteen, I remember when there was just one type. Um, I don't know a plain turkey.'
'We have four plain turkeys, the Carolina, the Sara lee, the Thin and Trim and the Inspirations.'
'The cheapest one is fine.'
I turn locate the Carolina, put it on the slicer and slice a piece.
'How is that for a slice,'
'Thinner'
'How's this,'
'great'
'And how much would you like?'
'Half a pound'
...
'Anything else that I can get for you?'
'Swiss Cheese'
'Which would you like, we have six types.'
'The regular swiss cheese.'
'The domestic?'
'Yes a quarter pound.'
'How's this for the slice?'
'Fine'
'A little over?'
'Yeah, that's fine.'
Anything else I can get for you?'
'No thank you.'
'Thank you'
-NK
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4 comments:
Yeah! That's classic and number 12 of the fourteen available ways to start. The close is good too but needs italics on the word you if you are flirting and not just giving the standard Hannaford/Shaw's farewell.
The whole rewrite stands very well--keeping the reader right in it without those false-start distractions; shows confidence in the writing.
I only flirt with my eyes, I am like a statue. The smile when the start to turn lets me know I did it right. I am over payed for my position so I limit reasons to give me a hard time.
And I am having a hard time with italic, bold, links and the like. My HTML sucks and the Ctrl makes random stuff happen.
What are the prescribed formulas for openings? I aspire to find new ways to alter and shatter prescribed ways of doing things.
Wouldn't it be nice if there really were 14 standard formulas for openings? I mean, there are things teachers will tell you: startling statistic, quotation, anecdote, etc, but that all gets very mechanical if one thinks about it that way and leads to worse, not better, writing.
Better advice is just to write the damned piece and then look back at the opening. In a surprising number of cases, it can be dropped completely or nearly completely, so that instead of a long slow windup, the reader is plunged immediately into the material.
I'd tell you how to do italics but when I try typing instructions I get "Your HTML cannot be accepted: Tag is not closed:"
It's trying to obey commands, not help me communicate!
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